


When I Can Power Through (and when I need some help from you)

by seekingmotivation



Series: Growing Together [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, College AU, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Girls Kissing, Human Catra (She-Ra), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lesbian Character, Lesbian disasters, Love Confessions, Micah is there for like 2 seconds, Minor Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Minor scorfuma, Modern AU, Roommates, Shadow Weaver | Light Spinner (She-Ra)'s A+ Parenting, Sleepy Cuddles, Slow Burn, Swearing, Useless Lesbians, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25064788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekingmotivation/pseuds/seekingmotivation
Summary: Catra stared at the beige door before her, trembling hand hovering over its surface. The door was ajar, and tempered voices could be heard from beyond, but she couldn’t bring herself to push through.All she could do was stare without seeing, try to calm her pounding heart, and wonder how she let this happen. They’d made a promise to one another as kids that they’d always stick together, that they’d always look out for one another.'How did I let this happen?'or: when Adora is injured during a game, she and Catra are forced come to terms with their feelings for one another that they've held back all their lives
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Growing Together [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1933600
Comments: 130
Kudos: 720





	1. it's okay to cry

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic on ao3! Very excited to share this with all of you. I absolutely love She-Ra, and especially the relationship between Adora and Catra, and I've been wanting to write for them for a while. Hopefully I've done these two justice here.
> 
> This will be a multi-chapter fic, with (hopefully) regular updates.
> 
> Title comes from the song Juliet by Cavetown (will become more relevant later on in the story)
> 
> Enjoy!

“Catra, I can’t just _not_ play today! It’s a home game against the Horde, y’know, our biggest rivals? I’m team captain, everyone’s expecting me to be there, I-- everyone’s expecting me to lead! I have to do this.”

Catra ran her fingers through her hair, growling. “Why are you always like this, putting everyone above yourself at every turn? You’re sick and exhausted, Adora, and don’t think I didn’t notice you limping! If you play you’re only gonna make it worse for yourself.”

“This isn’t a big deal, okay? I’ll be fine.” Adora hefted her gym bag over her shoulder, grunting as she stood up straight. She shifted her weight off her left leg, leaning on the back of the couch for support.

“No you won’t! You’re not fine you, you won’t be fine!”

“Catra--”

“No, just-- just shut up and listen to me, okay?” She gripped Adora’s shoulders, forcing her to lock eyes. “They’ll be fine without you. We’ve won the last 3 games no problem, this one won’t be any different if you sit it out. You’re not responsible for every win and loss, you’re not responsible for the whole team. You’re allowed to step back and take care of yourself.”

Adora’s face scrunched as if in pain, and she shook her head. “This game is too important, everyone’s counting on us, on… on me. I have to go.”

Catra gave her one last pleading look, one that fell away when she saw the stubborn determination in Adora’s gaze. She let her hands drop back to her sides and stepped away. Heterochromatic eyes scanned over the athletes figure, with her clammy skin and slumped shoulders. The muscular blonde, who normally stood so tall with her shoulders squared, with confidence dripping from every pore, suddenly looked three times smaller. The dark circles under her eyes made their sapphire hue so much duller. Catra’s heart ached seeing her like this, and even more so knowing she was about to run the gauntlet when she was already so worn down.

It hurt knowing she wouldn’t listen to her warning.

“... fine.” Catra folded her arms over her chest and turned away. “Fine! You really have to go, then go! But I’m not, not this time. I am NOT going to watch you crash and burn. I can’t…”

Adora raised her hand toward her, but just as quickly pulled it back. “Okay.” She sighed. “I’ll… I’ll see you after the game, then.”

Catra didn’t look as her roommate walked out the door, didn’t notice the way she pressed a hand to her side with a wince. She didn’t acknowledge the limp in her gait. And she definitely didn’t dwell on how much it ached to watch her go then, already looking defeated before the game even began. 

Catra loved her too much to watch her self imposed suffering. She loved Adora too much to admit how much she cared. Adora had bigger things to worry about than Catra’s feelings. It was like Ms. Weaver always told her, after all.

_ She's only ever a distraction. _

\------

Catra stared at the beige door before her, trembling hand hovering over its surface. The door was ajar, and tempered voices could be heard from beyond, but she couldn’t bring herself to push through. 

All she could do was stare without seeing, try to calm her pounding heart, and wonder how she let this happen. They’d made a promise to one another as kids that they’d always stick together, that they’d always look out for one another. 

_ How did I let this happen? _

Glimmer called about two hours after the game to tell her Adora was hurt. Her dad being the basketball team’s coach, she was able to learn fairly quickly that Adora was feverish and nauseated, and that her leg was in rough shape. She’d been taken back to the locker room away from curious eyes, and from there ferried off to the nearest hospital. 

Catra should’ve just gone to the game. She should’ve gone and watched, no matter how much it hurt. She should’ve been there.

But she wasn’t, and just like she predicted, Adora crashed and burned.

How could she face her now after leaving her to face that pain alone? The one game she missed, and it was the most important one.

_ What the fuck am I supposed to say to her? _

She’d rehearsed her apology dozens of times during her drive, but she may as well have written it in the sand. Every bit of it washed away, faded to nothing as guilt and shame overwhelmed her. Catra shut her eyes tight against the burn of fresh tears, and dug her nails into her palm. 

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. A text from Adora.

**Adora:** wherr r u?

Catra actually smiled at that. Adora was bedridden and injured, they’d fought just hours before, and now she was waiting expectantly for Catra to come. And why wouldn’t she? This is what they did, what they always did, no matter what. They came back to each other regardless of the forces that pried them apart. They were always there for each other.

She had to make good on that.

Catra nudged the door open and stepped inside, immediately greeted by a still pale Adora on the bed. Her hair was down, bangs partly stuck to her forehead with sweat. Seated at her side was Coach Micah, Glimmer and Bow, who’d been with Glimmer at the game. Beyond the exhaustion painted across her face, Adora grinned. Her bright baby blues lit up when they settled on Catra, and wordlessly beckoned her closer.

“Hey, Adora,” Catra whispered, voice thick with emotion.

“Hey, Catra. Is this the part where you say ‘I told you so’?”

She appreciated the attempt at humor, but all she could do was shake her head. “Now’s not the time for it, princess.”

Micah stood from his seat and dragged it over to Catra. “Here, you sit for a while. I need to step out and make some calls, let the rest of the team know she’s alright.”

“... thanks.”

Catra slumped into the chair with a groan. “Okay, someone wanna explain what the hell happened?”

“Sure.” Glimmer cleared her throat. “Maybe about halfway in, we noticed Adora was… off. She definitely wasn’t at the top of her game but she pushed on anyways. Someone tried to make a shot against the Horde, it bounced off the rim, and Adora jumped to try to get it back. Then…”

Bow took over. “Some players on the Horde side jumped for it too, and they all clashed. The Horde players got up afterwards, but Adora didn’t. They’re not sure if it was because she got hit or if she just landed wrong, but she couldn’t move her leg. They had to carry her out.”

Catra’s nostrils flared as she clenched her fists in her lap. She knew a couple of players on the Horde side, and knew that some of them might kill for a chance to knock Adora down a peg. For their sakes, she hoped that wasn’t the case here. 

If it was, she might just have to raise hell at Scorpion Hill. 

She stamped down her anger and glanced at Adora, whose eyes darkened as their friends explained the situation. One of her hands grazed over her right side as her glare fixated on her legs. Her thousand yard stare worried Catra.

“How bad is it?” She asked, reaching for Adora’s hand.

Adora’s head tilted back against the pillows, slowly rolling to the side to look at Catra. She locked their fingers together and sniffled, letting several tears fall.

“I, uh… I got a minor concussion. And I ruptured my appendix. That was the stomach pain, apparently. And, um…” Adora blinked rapidly to try to clear her eyes, turning her gaze to the ceiling. “I-- my knee, I tore my ACL, when I landed, I just…”

Her shoulders began to shake with the effort it took to hold back her sobs. She clenched Catra’s hand with bruising strength as her other fisted the sheets over her stomach. “I, I messed up Catra, they-- I’m out for the whole season it’s, it’s gonna take months for this to heal!”

It might have seemed trivial to some, but Catra understood painfully well how devastating this was for Adora. This was their senior year, their last year at Brightmoon University. Adora had worked tirelessly to earn her position as captain, and now just a few games into the season she was done. All her hard work, all those long hours of training, all the pain endured and limits pushed to get to this point.

All wasted.

What could she say? What could  _ anyone _ say to her now? Her senior year would close out with her leg in a brace, with her having to watch from the sidelines as her team fills the void she would leave behind. She wouldn’t get to play another game. The sport she fell in love with as a child, now just beyond her grasp.

She would blame herself, Catra already knew. Adora would blame herself for not working harder, or for not landing right, or for playing while she was sick. Any loss in future games, Adora would blame herself for because she was permanently sidelined.

Bow and Glimmer looked on helplessly as Adora tried to hold herself together. They met the two of them freshman year, and ever since the four of them have been nearly inseparable. However, in their years together they’d never seen Adora look so broken down and beaten. Catra had.

Her limbs felt heavy as she dragged herself out of her chair. Catra clambered into bed beside a bewildered Adora and pulled her close, hiding Adora’s face in her chest.

“It’s okay, Adora, you can cry all you want. Nobody’s gonna see a thing.”

Their years under their foster mother drilled into their heads and hearts that it was shameful to cry. Toxic beliefs that vulnerability made you weak, that you had to be strong willed and thick skinned to make it in this world. As children, when it all became too overwhelming and they couldn’t stop their tears, they’d help each other hide away until they calmed. They’d hold each other close in the dark, under the covers, behind stacks of boxes and closet doors, and whisper assurances to one another until things were okay again. It was one of the few practices they held onto as they grew.

Adora gripped Catra’s sweatshirt as she trembled. “Buh-- but Bow and Glimmer--”

“Nobody’s gonna see a thing,” Catra whispered. “Won’t let ‘em. Just let go, it’s okay to cry.”

She rubbed small circles into the blonde’s back as she started to sway. Adora’s body tensed with her inherent need to hold her emotions in, but gradually her walls came down. Her arms coiled around Catra’s as she pulled herself closer, finally letting herself cry out. 

Between heaving sobs and gasps for breath Catra heard frantic apologies, muffled into her chest so only she could hear. Catra nuzzled the top of Adora’s head and sighed. 

“Idiot. You’re not the one who needs to be sorry here. I’m the one who’s sorry, I should’ve been there with you. I should’ve been here sooner. And I shouldn’t have argued with you earlier. I’m sorry, Adora.”

_ I’m so fucking sorry. _

  
  



	2. we're more honest at night

Well past midnight, Catra was back in her chair and wrapped up in a blanket, watching Adora snooze. Bow and Glimmer left them hours ago with a promise that they’d be back to visit tomorrow, but Catra refused to leave. Even when the nurses subtly tried to get her to go home so Adora could rest, she refused. The biggest compromise they could manage was getting Catra to finally leave the bed and give Adora some space.

It was difficult for her to quell her overprotective urges. With Adora so hurt and vulnerable, all she wanted to do was curl up at her side and shield her away from the world that tore her down time and time again. But for now she’d have to make due with sitting between Adora and the door, her vigil through her first rough night of many to come. They’d already been told Adora would have to stay at least two more days, maybe three, and Catra was determined to stay with her as much as she was able. She’d have to make trips back to the apartment to change and shower, and she still had her own classes to worry about, but otherwise she wanted to be there for whatever she needed.

Adora’s brow creased as her head lolled toward Catra. For a moment, she allowed herself to admire the way the dim light from the hallway illuminated her features. The golden glow of her hair framing her face, the way her nose would twitch and scrunch in her sleep, soft, pink lips parted with the quietest snore.

Her gaze held on her lips a little too long, and Catra found herself wanting nothing more than to kiss her then. Maybe finally admit how hopelessly in love she was with her.

Or, maybe not.

Years of yearning for her best friend, years of cramming her feelings down into the darkest corner of her being where it would never see the light of day. She’d resigned herself to having her love unrequited, to putting their friendship above her want for something more.

It was fine. She had to be fine with it. She couldn’t risk losing Adora, not because of some dumb feelings. They were already separated once. They fought like hell to fix their broken bond, and now there was nothing more important to her than preserving that.

Adora stirred, and awoke to Catra still studying her face. She smiled sleepily at her and reached a hand out. “Hey you, you staring at me?”

“Pfft, no. Don’t get so full of yourself, princess.”

Catra took Adora’s hand, brushing over her knuckles in what she hoped was a soothing motion. Adora’s hands were rough and calloused from years of training, but still had an odd softness to them that she loved. 

“How are you feeling?” Catra asked.

“Mmn… not great. Stomach kinda hurts.”

“And mentally?”

Adora squeezed her hand. “... bad. Just… really bad.”

A nurse popped in briefly for a quick glance, just to make sure everything was in order. Catra glared at her over her shoulder, and kept glaring at the cracked door long after she left. Adora tugged her hand closer to get her attention.

“Catra? Can… can you… can you sit with me, up here?”

“The nurses don’t like me being up there,” Catra smirked.

“Since when do you do what other people tell you?”

She eyed the door once more, remembering that old childhood fear of being caught by Weaver doing something she shouldn’t. But their former guardian was no longer there to dole out excessive punishments. 

_ Fuck it _ .

Catra shucked the blanket off and climbed up. There was barely enough space for both of them, and her right leg still hung off the side, but nothing felt better to her then than laying there with Adora. What once was a common thing in their younger years had become a rarity, one reserved only for the hardest nights. She counted herself lucky that this still happened at all, even if it sent her poor, wanting heart into overdrive.

Adora, still groggy from her post-cry slumber, slouched down and pulled Catra’s arm around her shoulders. She pressed her cheek into her chest and Catra’s breath hitched.

“Getting comfy there?”

“Mmmmhm. You’re really cozy.” Adora tugged one of the strings on her hoody, giggling as it sprung back up. “I like this one. Iss so warm.”

Catra was thrown off by the sudden streak of affection, but humored her nonetheless. “Yeah? I’ll let you borrow it if you want, keep it with you when I’m not here.”

“Sounds great,” Adora mumbled. “Tomorrow?”

“Sure, tomorrow.”

They settled into comfortable silence, and for a while Adora had gone still enough for Catra to think she fell back asleep. A gentle squeeze around her midsection told her otherwise.

“Catra?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you mind if I just... talk for awhile? There’s so much going on in my head, I just, I need to get it out, I think. To calm down.”

Catra nodded, and rested her chin atop her head. “Go for it.”

“... I got really scared, when I got knocked down. It felt like I was being stabbed, over and over, I, I couldn’t move. It’s like my body just  _ quit _ . I felt so helpless laying there…” 

Adora shifted with a quiet grunt, reaching for one of Catra’s hands again. “I don’t know why I thought I could just  _ play _ and not have any problems. I thought, maybe, if I just focused on the game, if I focused on making sure we won, everything would be ok. I would push through the pain, we’d win, and  _ then _ I could figure out what was wrong with me.”

Catra leaned down to press her lips to the top of her head, not quite a kiss but enough to keep her grounded and present for Adora as she continued. 

“I felt so small… everyone’s eyes were on me but it felt so… so  _ wrong _ . Like, like all their disappointment just hit me in a wave, I couldn’t tell if the stadium just went quiet or if I really just stopped hearing. Everything was muted like my head was underwater. People were trying to talk to me and I couldn’t understand any of it.”

“Can’t believe for once you actually  _ did _ get brain damage,” Catra quipped. She hissed through her teeth when she realized how tasteless the joke was. “Sorry, bad time.”

Adora chuckled. “Nah, that was the best timing for it. I mean, you’re not wrong.”

“You’re too forgiving sometimes, y’know that?”

“Yeah, well, it’s hard to stay mad at you.”

If Adora couldn’t hear her raging heart before, Catra was sure she’d hear it then. The admission wounded and healed all at once. She wasted so much time in her life being bitter toward Adora, bearing a stupid grudge against her for leaving when the circumstances were beyond her control. She was adopted, Catra wasn’t. It’s not like Adora could tell them  _ no  _ when they came for her.

That’s just how life was. Weaver told them time and time again how life wasn’t fair, and she especially drilled that belief into Catra. Being separated from Adora, the one good thing in her life, only served to prove that.

She still held that belief, but now a part of her counted herself lucky that life wasn’t always fair. If it were, she didn’t think she’d ever be reunited with Adora. If life were fair, all her anger, her bitterness, her need to push everyone away to protect her broken heart, all of it would have kept her from getting another chance with Adora. Adora would have never come back. She wouldn’t have come with all her stubborn determination to reconnect with Catra, even after she, too, made it out of Ms. Weaver’s little hell house.

She tried so hard to push Adora away, but the blonde was always a weak point for her. Years later she still didn’t think she deserved Adora’s forgiveness, or the happiness they shared. And she definitely didn’t believe she deserved to be loved.

If nothing else, though, at least she still had Adora as her friend. Her best friend. That was enough for her.

It had to be.

Still, even with that ultimatum she took the chance to soak in Adora’s warmth, breathe in the tang of post-game sweat and vanilla that was infused into her hair, to simply enjoy this closeness that only they could share. 

“Hey,” Adora glanced back up at her. “I… I know I said it a lot already but I just, I’m really sorry, I… I should’ve listened to you. I should have trusted you. All that time I was down all I could think about was how stupid I was being, s-so stupid and, and stubborn, and you were right about everything. I messed up, Catra, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, that’s enough okay? You don’t need to apologize anymore.”

She lifted a hand to Adora’s cheek, brushing a stray tear away with her thumb. Catra inhaled sharply as Adora leaned into the touch, eyes fluttering shut with a sigh. Her words came out as mumbles as she spoke again.

“Thank you. For being here, putting up with all my stuff. I’unno what I’d do without you.”

“Probably spontaneously combust.”

Adora snickered. “Combust, huh? That mean you think I’m hot?”

“Sure, that’s the big takeaway here.”

Catra felt a burst of heat as Adora yawned into her shoulder. It was endearing, in a way, that she chose to shield her face that way instead of covering up with her hand. It let Catra know she felt safe with her. Comfortable. 

  
  


“You should go back to sleep,” Catra said.

Adora clung to her tighter. “Stay here?”

“Yeah, I’ll stay. Promise.”

They shuffled downward to lay down comfortably together, or as comfortably as they could manage on the narrow bed. Catra kicked off her boots and crossed her legs to make them fit, and settled into her position as Adora’s pseudo-pillow. The woman at her side quickly began to doze off once again, body seeming to melt against her and into the bed. Catra stared out into the hall and waited, waited, until she was sure Adora was fast asleep.

She pressed her lips to her head again, and tested her with a whisper. “Adora. Adora, you asleep?”

Nothing.

“Not gonna pop awake on me are you?” 

Catra gave her a gentle shake. Still nothing.

“Good. You’re out.” Catra took a deep breath. “You have no idea what you do to me, do you? You think I just put up with you but it’s so much more… I genuinely love being around you, even when you’re being a dumbass. I’m so grateful I get to be here with you, even if… even if this never turns into something more.”

She combed her fingers through Adora’s hair as a shaky sigh left her lips. “I know the next few months are gonna suck-- heh, fucking understatement… but I’ll be here for you through all of it. I promise. I promise, I’ll be here. Whatever you need. We’re both gonna need to be a lot more open from now on if we’re gonna deal with this.” She swallowed the lump in her throat and continued with a tremor in her voice. “I know we’re not that good at it-- I’m definitely not good at it, but, I’ll try my best if you will, okay?”

Catra took Adora’s hand and held it over her chest with a woeful smile. “I love you, Adora…”

_ More than you’ll ever know. _

  
  



	3. a storm on the horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a bit with writing this chapter. No particular reason why, just felt kinda weird about it. It's like that thing where artists never like their own work.
> 
> And I am an artist.
> 
> Who doesn't like their own work <_<;
> 
> Aaaanyways, glad to see people are liking the story so far, hope y'all enjoy this chapter too! If there are any problems please let me know.

True to her word, Catra let Adora snag her hoodie the first chance she got. She couldn’t wear it properly with the IV in her arm, but still tossed it over her head anyways, leaving it bunched up around her neck. Adora pulled the collar up halfway over her face as she laid back.

“Still warm. How are you so warm?”

Catra shrugged. “Guess I’m the hot one now.”

“You say that like you weren’t already.”

…  _ what. _

Catra blinked owlishly at her, trying to process what she said and all its implications. It seemed Adora was as well, as just five seconds later a blush crept up her neck, over her face, and turned the tips of her ears tomato red. She uncovered her face and opened, closed, opened her mouth again, trying but failing to find words. 

Both were saved from the growing tension as a doctor walked in, too busy staring down at a clipboard to notice the two blushing madly on the bed. “Morning Miss Greyskull, I’m here to check on your wounds and discuss your options for postoperative care and rehabilitation.” She glanced up and did a double take. “Is now a bad time?”

“Uuuh…” Adora looked to Catra, who simply shrugged. “No, uh, no, now’s fine.”

“Do I need to leave?” Catra asked.

“Are you family?”

_ Might as well be at this point. _ “No.”

The doctor came around to Adora’s other side to check the IV bag. “Then yes, sorry, you will have to step out while we talk. Patient confidentiality, I’m sure you understand.”

“Yeah, sure, got it.” Catra turned to Adora with a lopsided grin. “I guess I’ll head home for now, come back when you’re done. Want me to bring anything back?”

“Oh! Can you bring my laptop? Actually, just my whole backpack if that’s okay. I have some homework I need to do. And a charger would be great.” She ended the request with a sheepish grin, as if the few things she’d asked for were already too much.

“You know you could probably get an extension on your assignments if you explain what happened.”

“I can’t let myself fall behind, Catra. I’m stuck in bed anyways, I might as well do some work.”

Catra rolled her eyes. “Fine, fine, I’ll bring it. I’m probably gonna take a quick shower while I’m there. Text me if you need anything else, ok?”

Adora nodded, and moved to return the hoodie. Catra stopped her by tugging the hood over her head, a smirk on her lips. “Keep it. For when I’m not here, remember?”

“How sweet of you.”

“I am  _ not _ sweet,” Catra yanked the edge further down over her eyes, making her giggle. “I’m out of here. See you later?”

Adora peeked up from under the hood with a smile that made Catra’s stomach do somersaults. “Yeah, see you later.”

She had to leave then before her resolve could break. Leaving the room, leaving Adora, was the last thing she wanted to do, and the further she got the larger the empty hollow in her chest grew. But distance could only be good, right? With distance she could force herself to stop thinking about her quiet confession, or the fact that Adora thinks she’s hot--

Catra stopped in the doorway leading out of the hospital. “...  _ does _ she think I’m hot?”

_ Do NOT start with that right now! _

Shaking her head, she continued on to the parking lot and into her car. It wasn't that odd for best friends to tell each other they're attractive, right? She's heard Glimmer compliment Adora plenty of times. Right. What happened was just another thing between friends.

She tried not to think too hard on it as she drove off.

\-----

Not even an hour later Adora called to let her know the talks were done and Catra could come back. Apparently, Bow and Glimmer had shown up already and were there with food and games. With hers and Adora’s backpacks in tow, as well as a fresh change of clothes and an overnight bag, Catra returned to the hospital. Without looking at anyone she darted through the bustling lobby, straight to the elevators towards the back. Catra, distracted as she shuffled through the bags one last time to check for everything, didn’t notice the figure trailing behind her.

“Catra, what a surprise it is to see you here.” 

She froze. There was no mistaking that drawl, that condescending voice. Catra could already feel the unpleasant prickling over her skin, the way all her hair stood on end upon hearing  _ her _ voice. She turned to her slowly, breathing shallowly as their eyes met.

Sharon Weaver. Hers and Adora’s former guardian. Their tormentor. 

“What are  _ you _ doing here?” Catra snapped.

The woman scanned her through narrowed eyes as she adjusted her coat. Her arm tightened around a bouquet of purple roses, near-black in their hue and tied together with a blue ribbon. “Same as you I suppose, here to check on Adora and give her my well wishes.”

“Tch, figures… of course a stalker like you would show up so soon. You always did have a knack for finding us at the worst times.” Catra zipped up the bag and stepped away from her former mother figure. “Fucks sake, of course this happens now…”

“Foul mouthed as always, I see.”

Catra didn’t answer, and really didn’t want to entertain her any longer. She felt a buzz in her pocket and knew it was probably Adora or Bow asking where she was, or Glimmer telling her to hurry the hell up so she could beat her in Smash. She didn’t want to be here, stuck with the woman that regularly plagued her nightmares. Yet for every step she took to make some distance, Weaver took two more to close the gap.

“I didn’t see you at the game this time around. Trouble in paradise?”

_ Need to leave. _

“I’ve gone to nearly all her games, you know. I’ve taken great pride in seeing her rise to success, as I knew she always would.”

_ Need to leave needtoleave. _

Another step back, so close to the elevators. Neither had opened yet.

Weaver closed the gap entirely, looming over Catra with a cold gaze. “Quite the strange coincidence that the one time I didn’t see you there, Adora got hurt. Why is that, Catra?”

_ Tooclosetoocloseneedtorunneed-- _

“I'm know you had something to do with it, you always got her into trouble when you were children. You have never been anything but a nuisance to me and a distraction to Adora. She would be so much more if you weren’t always holding her back. You are nothing, and you’ve always been nothing. I will never see what she valued in you, then or now. If you do anything to distract her, or jeopardize her future,” she brought her face closer, eyes leveled with Catra’s. “I will make you regret it.”

Catra’s back hit the wall between the two elevators. She could feel the buttons press against her spine and reached back to mash them harder. Glancing over Weaver’s shoulders, she tried to catch the attention of someone, anyone, staff or otherwise, who could get her out of this situation. No one would look their way.

Another buzz in her pocket, longer this time. A call.

_ Adora _ .

Weaver would continue on to see Adora if Catra didn’t do something. She’d fill her head with poisonous guilt, lead her to believe she’d failed because she didn’t work hard enough. Adora was already down on herself for getting hurt, having Sharon Weaver come back after all these years just to confirm that would only worsen that.

_ Protect Adora. _

Catra grit her teeth, clenched her fists at her sides, and hissed back.

“Fuck you.”

There was grim satisfaction in watching her reel back. 

“You can’t touch me. You can’t do shit to either of us anymore, least of all to me!” She stomped forward, and now it was Weaver’s turn to step back. “All you ever did was lie to me and drag me down just so you could feel better about your pathetic life, I see that now. You. Can’t. Hurt me. I won’t let you, not anymore. And I won’t let you hurt Adora!”

This time, Catra wasn’t afraid to get in her face. Her voice lowered to a whisper. “You have  _ nothing _ to feel proud of. Adora got to where she is without you and all your toxic bullshit. Don’t even try to take credit for her success.”

She finally heard the elevator door open, and hesitant footsteps approaching from behind. But she continued anyway. “If anyone’s to blame for her getting hurt, it’s you. You got that stupid hero complex into her head instead of teaching her how to take care of herself, you taught her to run herself ragged just to win. You abused her just as much as you did me. It took me too fucking long to understand that, but now that I do I’m not letting you  _ anywhere  _ near her.”

Catra backed away with a scowl. “Stay the fuck away from Adora. She’s got people who really care about her now, people who love her. She doesn’t need you.”

They stared each other down for a moment before Weaver’s eyes flickered to whoever was behind Catra. Conceding defeat, she turned away and left the hospital. Catra watched until her form disappeared entirely, feeling her body shake with adrenaline. 

She stood up to Sharon Weaver.

She  _ finally _ stood up to her, and it worked!

It worked, but she still felt ill. She stood up for herself, for Adora, but the fear had already settled heavily in her stomach. The black cloud over her head should have left when Weaver did, but the woman’s presence had a way of sticking around where it wasn’t wanted. Catra wondered how much their former guardian really knew about them now. If she could figure out what hospital Adora was at so easily, before the school could even make an announcement about the fact that the basketball star was injured, what else did she know? Did she know their schedules? Their friends?

_Does she know where we live?_

“... miss?”

Catra whipped around at the barest touch to her shoulder. Adora’s doctor, the same one from earlier that morning, had been watching the latter part of their confrontation. 

“Is everything alright?”

She looked back to where Weaver’s back vanished between the cars. “Yeah… everything’s fine.”

“Will that woman be a problem in the future? I can ask security to keep an eye out for her if, for example, you feel she’ll cause someone distress. A  _ patient _ especially.” She raised an eyebrow at Catra with a small smirk, tilting her head towards her.

The gesture made Catra chuckle. “Alright, yeah, if you could keep her away from Adora that’d be great. She’s… she’s not good, for either of us.”

“Consider it done. The comfort of our patient’s and their family is a top priority, after all.” The doctor waved a hand towards the elevator. “You should head up there, she seemed excited to have you back.”

Catra muttered a quiet “thanks” as she scuttled past, and slumped against the elevator wall once she was in. “Everything’s fine,” she assured herself. “It’s fine. It’s fine. We’re safe. She can’t hurt us.”

She practiced her breathing exercises, used the cool steel of the railing to ground herself, and remembered that soon she’d be back with Adora, back with her friends, back with the people who love her. 

Bow’s squeaky voice reached her ears first as she approached Adora’s room, Glimmer’s cheers of victory soon followed. Catra knocked twice, then entered, already grinning from ear to ear now that she was back with her people. They’d set up a Switch on a little tabletop over Adora’s bed, and were in the midst of a heated match.

“Hey, sorry, got stuck in the lobby,” Catra explained. She set the bags down by Adora’s bedside and hopped up, immediately settling in at her side. “Who’s winning?”

“Bow’s on his last life, Glimmer is up by two. Everything okay?”

Catra nodded. “It’s fine. Enjoy your victory while it lasts, Sparkles, I’m gonna kick your ass later.”

“I will gladly prove you wrong after you and Adora go a few rounds.”

“Deal.”

They watched the two face off in their final brawl, Bow having knocked another one of Glimmer’s lives. For a while it seemed like Glimmer would win it all, but all it took was one misstep for Bow to get the upper hand. She fell off the map, and couldn’t jump high enough to catch the ledge.

“YES!” Bow shot up with both fists raised as Glimmer slumped forward dramatically. “COMEBACK KING!”

“Ugh, what the hell! I swear this controller always sticks!”

“That’s what you get for being cocky, Glim.”

“I was not being cocky!”

Adora’s giggles devolved into her signature snort-laugh as the two bickered. When she leaned into Catra, all bouncing shoulders and gasps for breath, and when their friend’s got into a poke war that left them both cackling, Catra forgot all about the residual ache in her chest. She forgot about the thrill of standing up to her former guardian, and the disgusting shadow that seemed to hang around her afterward. The rest of the world disappeared, and all that existed was the four of them in that moment.

Catra never felt so at peace.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shadow Weaver's name was the only one so far that didn't feel like it could be a real name in this AU, soooo minor change to Sharon. You better believe I ain't don't with Shadow Weaver though! Stay tuned folks, there's more drama and angst to come!
> 
> And plenty of fluff and yearning~


	4. we were younger then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to everyone who's taken the time to read this, and those who have commented, left a kudos and bookmarked. I appreciate all of you and I'm so glad y'all have enjoyed this story so far <3
> 
> I hyper fixated and managed to churn this out in a little over a day, so have an early update! (Even though I technically don't have a set upload schedule hhglk)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

A short walk and Adora was already annoyed by the rhythmic  _ clack, clack, clack _ of her crutches. She hated the way they pushed into her underarms, the ache that was already settling into her shoulders. It didn’t help that their place was all the way up on the third floor of their apartment building, and she was learning for the first time that navigating stairs on crutches was extremely difficult. What was normally an easy climb for an athlete like her had become an agonizingly slow ascent. 

Catra was patient. Even as their bags weighed her body down she didn’t mind pausing on the second floor so Adora could readjust herself. And again about halfway up the last flight of steps when she needed to catch her breath. Catra stayed close on her heels the whole time, ready to catch her if she stumbled or fell.

When they finally reached their apartment Adora slumped against the door with a groan. “God I can’t wait to get off these things!”

“Just two hours ago you wouldn’t shut up about how excited you were to get back on your feet,” Catra quipped.

“Well yeah but I didn’t think it would suck this much!” Adora gulped down another breath as she unlocked the door, hopping in on her good leg once it was open. “I mean you’d think they could make these more comfortable for people by now, but it’s just. So awful.”

Catra shut the door and put their things away while Adora settled down in the living room. It felt strange for both of them, being back in the same spot where they’d left each other before the game. Catra was determined to make it up to Adora for that, though. 

Wandering into the kitchen, she pulled a bag of frozen peas out of the freezer and wrapped it in a small towel. When she brought it over she found Adora lounging with her eyes shut tight, pressing a hand to her stomach.

“Staples hurt?” She asked, tapping her shoulder with the makeshift ice pack.

“Kind of, yeah…”

Catra recalled with a grimace how painful the wound looked that morning. One last bandage change before Adora was released, and that time Catra was able to stay and observe with Adora’s permission. Seeing the developing scar from her surgery, held together with a series of silver staples, made her shudder. The area around the staples was still an angry red, and all she wanted to do was soothe the spot with a gentle hand. 

When they were younger and much, much closer, she wouldn’t hesitate to kiss the hurt away. As kids the rowdy duo would always end up with scrapes and bruises, Catra especially, and Adora would plant a little kiss over every one. ‘So it’ll heal faster’, she’d say, and Catra would call her a dummy for it. But despite her best efforts to act like she couldn’t care less she’d return the gesture, every time, without fail. 

Now, though, now there were boundaries. There was new knowledge of the world around them, new knowledge of each other, and just as many unknowns. They were different people. That innocent intimacy was long buried beneath a different kind of hurt, a childhood and happiness lost long before its time. Catra wished they could have it again, but that fear of losing Adora always held her back.

She sat on the floor in front of the couch as Adora shuffled into a better position to ice her knee. Her movements were sluggish, and every bend or stretch pulled her face into a wince. After nudging a cushion under her leg with her good foot she finally unfurled, laying back with a hiss through her teeth. 

That protective instinct returned, urging Catra to draw closer, fix the problem, comfort every little ache and sting that plagued Adora’s body. Something deep and burning in her chest that was practically magnetized to Adora. No matter how far she went, how hard she tried to fight the pull, how often she resolved to get over her, it always brought her right back here. Back to Adora’s side. Back to her inability to truly let go of her feelings for her.

“There anything else I can do to help?” Catra asked, propping her head up with a bent elbow.

Adora shook her head. “I’ll be fine, promise. Just… just need to tough it out ‘til the medicine kicks in.”

_ Tough it out my ass. _

With a quiet grumble, Catra stood and bounded over to her room, then back to the kitchen with a dark blue sack in hand. She popped it into the microwave and let it heat up while she filled two glasses with water. Catra took all three items back to the living room with a soft smile, setting the water aside on the coffee table so she could give Adora the heat pad.

“For your stomach,” she explained simply.

Adora took it, albeit reluctantly, and tucked it under Catra’s hoodie - which she still refused to take off - to warm her stomach. The relief was nearly immediate. Eyes fluttering shut, she sunk deeper into the couch, missing the way Catra smiled so fondly at her.

“Better?” She asked, with just a tinge of smugness. 

“Yeah, okay, this is so much better. What’s in this thing? It feels…” Adora kneaded the bag, feeling something grainy shift beneath her fingers. “Feels… sandy?”

“It’s just a rice bag, doofus, nothing special. You’ve seen me use it before.”

Adora seemed confused at first, then her face lit up as she remembered. “Ooooh yeeeaah, for your shoulders… you got bad posture.”

A dopey grin blossomed on her lips as her hand lazily drifted to Catra’s shoulder, giving it a firm poke. Having watched over Adora the past few days, Catra could guess that either her meds were kicking in, or she was still fighting her post-surgery fatigue. Apparently it was normal for people to be pretty tired even days after an operation. Soon she’d be snoozing the day away, as carefree as she could manage.

“I must suffer for my art, Adora!” Catra threw an arm over her head with a dramatic flair. “You can’t be a great artist without a little pain!”

Adora snorted. “Catra that’s terrible.”

“Hey, at least we’re not selling our souls for passing grades like all the STEM majors.”

“Ugh, I feel so bad for Bow. He’s so stressed over midterms. We should do something for him, like, like bake him cookies or…” Adora stifled a yawn. “Or cake or something.”

“Learn how to bake first, then we’ll talk.”

“Whuh? I know how to bake!”

“The last time you made cookies they melted into pancakes.”

Adora pulled the hoodie collar up over her face, mumbling, “They were still good…”

Another fond smile graced Catra’s face. She folded her arms on the couch, using them as a cushion for her chin. “Crunchy edges, undercooked in the middle, chunks of unmixed sugar,  _ very _ good.”

“Oh shut up!”

Her giggles were music to Catra’s ears. She used to tease her for her laugh all the time when they were kids, but now hers was her favorite of any she’d heard. Everything about her just made her feel warm. 

Adora yawned again, loud and infectious enough to make Catra yawn too. It was only midday, sunlight spilled through the blinds in brilliant golden ribbons, but all she wanted to do was curl up by Adora and nap. Of course, the couch was too narrow for both of them to fit, but she was content to just settle in where she was and fall asleep.

Catra reached up to feel the heat pad, finding it had already started to cool. “Want me to reheat this?”

“Yes  _ please _ , it feels so nice.” 

The rice bag was reheated, and Catra took the chance to place the frozen peas back in the freezer. When she returned the rice bag Adora nestled it back over her stomach, under the hoodie, and gave a pleased hum.

Catra sank back down to the floor, laying her head atop her folded arms on the edge of the couch. Adora shot her a sleepy smile and her heart throbbed.

“You want any blankets?” She asked, swallowing the lump in her throat.

Adora shook her head, letting it loll to the side as she stared down at Catra. There was something contemplative to her gaze, a question dancing in her eyes. Despite her exhaustion there was a certain intensity to her stare that set Catra’s body ablaze. She tried not to let on how much that one look affected her.

“Hey, Catra?”

“Hmm?”

“Could you…” her eyes drifted away, intensity replaced with an air of bashfulness. “Could you, um…” Adora shook her head and clicked her tongue in frustration. “Sorry, just…”

Catra raised a curious brow at her. “Take your time.”

Adora blinked hard and squinted up at the ceiling. “Sorry. My head just feels… really foggy. I think it’s a side effect? For the… for the pain meds, yeah, that’s what it is.”

“At least that means they’re working now, right?”

She nodded, and glanced back down at Catra as she chewed her bottom lip. “Hey, so… so last night, I couldn’t really sleep, and you played some music, and that helped me settle down. Can you… can you play something? I like your music.”

“What, you embarrassed to admit you like my indie shit?” 

“ _ No _ , I just, I feel bad… I’m being all needy, and you’re being so helpful and I just, I don’t want to burden you with--”

“Nope.” Catra held up a finger. “Absolutely  _ do not _ start with that, you are not a burden. I’m happy to help however I can. You look out for me, I look out for you, remember? So let me look out for you.”

She could tell Adora was having a hard time opening up to the idea of being taken care of like this, so Catra quickly changed gears before she could think too hard on it. Fishing her phone out, she opened up to her playlists to start scrolling through. 

“Got a request?” 

Adora’s eyes flickered away, then back to her as she shook her head. “Anything’s good. Something to sleep to?”

“Mm, chill mix it is.”

She set the phone down between them and turned up the volume as the thrum of a guitar kicked in. Catra recognized it right away, and chuckled softly to herself at the irony of this song playing first. Seems she’d be on a nostalgia kick all day, doomed to reminisce on her younger years until her brain had nothing left to dredge up.

Seeing Adora gradually relax as the vocals came in made it all worth it, though.

“What song is this?” She asked.

“Obstacles by Syd Matters. Found this one years ago, still haven’t gotten tired of it.”

Adora nodded, letting her eyes drift shut. Any tension that might have been left in her body melted away as the music eased her into sleep. Before she could fall asleep completely, though, she tilted her head toward Catra once more.

Eyes still shut, brows furrowed, she murmured. “Hey Catra?”

“Yeah?”

“... thanks… thank you, for taking care of me. ‘M really glad you’re here.”

Catra was grateful that Adora couldn’t see her. She didn’t want her to see the way her face lit up, or the glassiness in her eyes, or the blush that tinged her cheeks. She didn’t want her to see just how happy those few words made her.

“You’re welcome. Now go to sleep, dummy. You need it.”

Adora hummed quietly, hand shifting to brush against Catra’s arm. As the song neared its end her body sagged, signaling that she’d finally nodded off. Catra watched her face soften, her head snuggle into the pillow. One hand settled high up on her stomach while the pinky of her other pressed against Catra’s bicep. 

Catra rewound the song, and watched serenity set in over Adora’s features. She remembered finding this song shortly after they’d reunited, at a time when things were more than a little unsteady between them. They were both still hurting, and Catra didn’t know how to deal with the confusing mix of hatred and longing that filled her heart. They were hurting, but Catra wanted to fix it. She wanted Adora back. She knew it would be a challenge to get even remotely close to what they once had, but she was determined to do whatever it took to make things right. 

Voice low so as not to disturb her friend, she started to sing along. “Someday, we will foresee obstacles. Through the blizzard… through the blizzard.”

\-- Today, we will sell our uniform --

“Live together… live together.”

All her feelings flooded back. Memories of younger days pricked at the forefront of her mind. Days when they were carefree, young and dumb, running around the neighborhood with sticks in hand, pretending to be epic warriors. Climbing trees and fences, getting into trouble and, one way or another, getting out of it nearly scot free. 

\-- We played hide and seek in waterfalls -- 

“We were younger… we were younger…”

Adora climbed a little too high one day, and got too scared to climb back down. Catra descended first, offering to catch her. And Adora, having not fully grasped the concepts of weight and gravity, believed wholeheartedly that Catra would. 

To her credit, she did, but also immediately flopped to the ground with Adora’s added weight. 

But back then they could laugh off the pains, believing themselves invulnerable. Adora would kiss her wounds and Catra would kiss hers in return, and everything would be fine again. They’d get up, brush off the dirt, and run off toward another adventure.

\-- We played hide and seek in waterfalls --

\-- We were younger… we were younger... --

They weren’t kids anymore. Catra couldn’t just kiss the pain away. She knew that, but that wouldn’t stop her from trying now that Adora was asleep. Who knows? Maybe there was a little bit of that child magic left somewhere deep within her.

Catra kissed the tips of her fingers, and pressed them to Adora’s stomach. “So it’ll heal faster,” she whispered, voice cracking.

She brought them back to her lips, pressed another soft kiss to her fingers, and twisted around to touch Adora’s knee. “You’ll be better in no time, promise. You’ll be back on your feet, and we’ll run around like we did when we were kids. I’ll even play basketball with you if you want.” She chuckled softly to herself. “You can kick my ass all you want, I don’t even have to score. Anything to keep that smile on your face.”

_ Anything for you _ .

Catra glanced back up to Adora’s face with a sigh. “... how’d I ever think I could get over you?”

And she wondered again as she, too, drifted off to sleep, how in the world she’d get over her now.

  
  
  


\-- Someday, we will foresee obstacles --

\-- Through the blizzard --

**\-- Through the blizzard --**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slaps fic* man, this bad boy can fit so much YEARNING!
> 
> How'd that lyric integration work for y'all? Did the -- xxx -- work for when Catra wasn't singing? I'm planning on using some other songs in future chapters (cuz I'm a sucker for song lyrics being used in writing and artwork), SO! If this doesn't work please let me know so I can experiment with some other methods.
> 
> also, I used to think he was saying "we were younger then" and not just "we were younger", so, y'know, there's that   
> *finger guns*  
> gotta love mishearing lyrics


	5. mother dearest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to all you lovely readers, I appreciate each and every one of you <3
> 
> Another struggle chapter but hey, I got s o m e t h i n g.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy and please, let me know if there's any issues! (also a semi-important note at the end? maybe not that important?? who knows)

The next morning was… interesting, to say the least.

Catra was on her way out the door when she nearly got a cane to the face. It stopped just short, giving her the barest tap on the nose before the short old woman at the other end pulled it back. She blinked owlishly at Catra from behind thick, round glasses that took up half her face.

“Catra dearie, where’s all your hair!”

Catra, in turn, blinked back in stunned silence, mouth hung open as she fished for a response. “I… uh… cut it? And hello to you too, Razz.” She called back into the apartment over her shoulder. “Hey, Adora? We have company!”

The older woman patted Catra on the arm as she let herself in, pulling the pink shawl tighter over her shoulders. “Ah, so cold around here. You should bundle up, bring a jacket!”

“My classes get pretty warm so I’ll be fine.”

Adora’s head popped out from behind the kitchen wall, over the breakfast bar where the remains of their early lunch sat. “Wha-- Razz? Um, when did you-- what are you doing here? Uh, not that I’m not happy to see you! But Mara normally calls first.”

She came around, bending down as best she could with her crutches to give Razz a hug. 

“We have to make pie, dearie, remember? Today’s the day!”

Catra locked eyes with her over the woman’s shoulders and mouthed ‘what the fuck’ to her. Adora shook her head gently and mouthed back ‘I don’t know.’

Heavy footfalls stomped up to the door, still wide open, as Mara stumbled up to Catra. She hunched over and gulped down a few breaths before straightening out. She had a covered basket tucked under one arm and a tote on the other. “Morning, Catra! Sorry for the short notice, I didn’t have time to call before Razz was dragging me out of the house. And she insisted you both knew we were coming.”

Catra ushered her in with a wave of the hand. “It’s cool. She said something about pie?”

Mara pulled the little towel off her basket, revealing a plethora of mixed berries. “Apparently today we absolutely have to bake a pie here with Adora. I hope that’s okay.”

“I mean… we don’t really have anything for baking so… y’know, that might be an issue.”

“Got that covered too,” Mara said, holding up the tote bag. She turned to Razz, who was staring at Adora’s injured knee with a scrutinizing glare. “Razz, I asked you to wait while I locked up the car!”

“Bah, no time, no time! We have to make pie, Mara!”

She hurried into the kitchen and helped herself to the fridge and pantry, pulling out whatever ingredients she needed to cook with. Adora hobbled over to the front door, letting Mara pull her into a hug. 

“Sorry about all this, but you know how she is. Once she gets moving she get’s  _ moving _ . I couldn’t even keep up with her on the stairs!”

“It’s fine, I’m glad to see you-- both of you!” Adora pulled back and scratched the back of her head. “I’ve been meaning to call you, just, I keep forgetting…”

“Well I didn’t call today, so, call it even?” 

Adora nodded at her adoptive mother, then turned to Catra. “I guess you’ll have surprise pie to look forward to later?”

Catra’s eyes bounced back and forth between them. She didn’t mind that Mara and Razz were there, they were Adora’s family. They gave her a home - a real home - and genuine love, not the sad excuse for “love” that Sharon Weaver claimed to give. They made her happy, made her feel safe. She was grateful they could give Adora what she couldn’t at the time.

Still, even with years of healing and reconciliation, there was always that bitter part of her that blamed them for all the things that went wrong, that hated them for separating them. For a long time she blamed all her pain, her frustration, her loneliness on them. When they first adopted Adora she felt no gratitude for all the good things they would give her, Catra could only see them as the people who took her joy. Her Adora.

She didn’t want to dwell on that now, though. Things were good. Catra still felt awkward around them, but things were good. Mara and Razz treated her like family, welcomed her with open arms when she and Adora finally started talking again.

They didn’t see each other often, what with the girls being busy with school and Mara working round the clock. The last time was a short weekend in summer when Catra and Adora drove out to stay with them at their little ranch house. Catra figured she should give them some space. Family bonding time. 

“Yeah, save me some.” Catra averted her eyes, not wanting to see the small tinge of disappointment from Adora with her next words. “I actually might be out kinda late today, got a sculpture I need to work on that I’m a little behind on…”

Not a total lie. Not entirely true either.

“... it needs a lot of reworking, so, uh… yeah.”

_ Way to make things more awkward, dumbass! _

“Oh.” Catra could hear it in her tone. She was disappointed, of course, she couldn’t help it. But Adora understood better than anyone how Catra felt about situations like these. “Yeah, no problem. We’ll save plenty for you.”

They shuffled closer to the door as a loud, metallic clang sounded from the kitchen, and Mara rushed to investigate. Adora chuckled as Catra stepped just outside the door. “You’re kinda lucky, actually. Razz is a tornado in the kitchen, you get to avoid all the mess.”

“Now  _ that _ I’m grateful for,” Catra smirked. “Last thing I need is berry stains on all my shit. Please try not to mess the kitchen up too much.”

Another clang, followed by the rumble of a dozen tupperwares spilling from a cabinet.

“We’ll try our best,” Adora said, giving a thumbs up. She leaned on the door frame, giving Catra a sad smile. “Hey, I’m sorry about this. I really wasn’t expecting them to show up so out of the blue. Are you feeling okay?”

Catra lowered her gaze. “Not really… I’ll be fine though. Lose myself in the art for a bit or… some other pretentious crap. Don’t worry about me, go have some family time. Learn how to  _ actually _ bake from someone who knows what they’re doing.”

“ _ Hey. _ ”

They both giggled. Catra checked the time on her phone and found she was running late. With a sigh, she leaned forward to hug Adora. “I gotta leave now if I’m gonna make it on time. Keep me updated, okay?”

Adora sagged into it, nuzzling her face into Catra’s shoulder. “Will do.”

With a wicked grin, Catra leaned further to call into the apartment. “Don’t let Adora burn the kitchen down!”

“CATRA!” Adora shoved her with a laugh. “Ugh, get out of here!”

“Okay okay, I’m going. Later, doofus.”

Her heart felt heavy as she descended the stairs. From Adora’s injury to her nostalgia kick remembering their childhood years, to having Mara and Razz suddenly remind her of when Adora disappeared from her life, she was suffering emotional whiplash. Her fists clenched at her sides as old thoughts swelled to the forefront of her mind.

Ms. Weaver used to tell her that everything was temporary. That everything could be yanked away from her in an instant, and she would be powerless to stop it.

_ This is all temporary _ . 

When Adora left, she made it her mantra. Weaver’s house, her broken heart, the loneliness that filled every crack that formed in her being as she watched Adora walk away. The pain would be temporary. It wouldn’t last forever.

And yet, years later, she still felt it. After getting Adora back, she still feared the loss, the solitude, the possibility that Adora could leave her life again.

_ This is all temporary. Nothing lasts forever _ .

She stared into her car’s window, hand hovering over the door handle. 

_ Nothing lasts forever. _

_ “Adora won’t always want you around, you know,” _ Weaver told her, once. _ “She’ll realize just how incompetent you are. She’ll realize you’re holding her back, that she can find better people to push her forward. Don’t act hurt when she leaves you. Be glad I’m warning you now, Catra, it’s for your own good. _ ” 

_ nothing lasts forever... _

Catra wasn’t sure if she could ever handle losing Adora again. If she did, she was sure she would--

_ Distraction. Need a distraction. _

She practically dove in, and sped off to the other side of campus to the art buildings. Her mind was spiraling into dark places that she was not at all ready to deal with. She needed to get her mind off of everything, space out and stop thinking for a few hours.

This heavy weight on her shoulders wouldn’t last. The feeling was temporary. She had to believe that.

\-----

She only registered how much time had passed when she noticed the poor lighting. Catra looked around the empty classroom, eyes settling on the windows. The sun hung low in the sky, turning the horizon a vibrant orange-pink hue that might have been breathtaking if she didn’t feel so exhausted. Her neck and shoulders were stiff, and held a burning pain after hours of being hunched over in odd positions. Not to mention the dull soreness in her hands after straining to warp her wire sculpture for so long.

One of the evening classes was due to start soon. Catra would have to leave whether she wanted to or not, and without another class to go to or project to work on, she’d just have to head home and try not to feel weird about it. She started cleaning up as students filed in, and quickly made her way out. 

Catra checked her messages, seeing the long strand of Adora sending pie updates and gifs, up until about two hours ago when the messages stopped altogether. She didn’t even realize the conversation stopped so long ago, and hoped everything was alright back home. 

When she got back to the apartment she felt numb. Not better, not worse, just numb. She dragged her feet as she made her way up, body sagging as if her bones were filled with lead. Catra was ready to curl up in bed and sleep the rest of the day away. As soon as she got in though, she knew she’d probably get swarmed with questions from their guests.

She briefly considered going back to her car to wait, but she was already at their door. Catra was about to unlock it when she heard muffled voices on the other side.

“-- still haven’t said anything?”

“No… I just, it never feels like the right time. I’ve been thinking about it more recently, but I don’t know…”

_ Adora… right time for what? _

This was wrong, she knew, eavesdropping on their conversation. But try as she might she couldn’t move herself away from the door. From how close their voices were she guessed they were just on the other side, perhaps getting ready to leave. 

“I know it’s hard, but you can’t wait forever, Adora. There really isn’t a right or wrong time for this kind of thing--”

_ What kind of thing? _

“-- you just have to be open, and honest about what you’re feeling.”

“I don’t know if I’m even sure about… Mara, I don’t want to mess things up. If I just, if I say nothing,  _ do _ nothing, I won’t make the wrong choice.”

“And what if doing nothing  _ is _ the wrong choice?”

There was a long pause. Catra thought that might be a good opportunity to walk in, before they could find out she was listening.

“Can I give you some advice?” Mara asked.

“... please. I need all the help I can get.”

“Don’t wait too long, Adora. It’s scary but trust me, you’ll only regret it later if you keep putting this off. It can be hard… being vulnerable… especially with someone so important to you. But I promise you, starshine, it’s so worth it.”

_ Who? Which someone? What’s worth it? _

“I’m going to wait outside Mara, take your time here!” Razz shouted.

Catra quickly moved away from the door, towards the staircase, hoping it would look like she was just coming up instead of standing there listening in. When she looked to Razz, however, the woman just gave her a knowing smile.

She shut the door behind her, and came to stand right in front of Catra. Catra hoped she didn’t look too guilty.

“Uh… hey Razz. How’d the baking go?”

Razz waved Catra closer and she bent down, inhaling sharply as a soft hand came up to her left cheek. The gesture was one that almost always sparked bad memories of Ms. Weaver, but this time it was oddly comforting. It quieted her pounding heart, assured her she wasn’t in any trouble.

“Oh Catra, dearie, so good to see you letting down your mask.”

_ Mask? _

“I know, you held it all in for so long. You've been hiding your heart all this time.” Razz tilted her head and gave her a loving smile, one that struck Catra with a deep longing. Adora was the only other person to ever smile at her like that. “Aah, it’s not enough to let it down, though, you have to be honest with Adora, and honest with yourself. Neither of you will have peace until you are.”

“I… I-I don’t--”

“Trust yourself, and trust her. She wants you in her life, Catra. She never stopped wanting you. You have nothing to fear.”

The weight in her body left her in that moment. Catra’s eyes widened at the woman’s words, unable to process just how she knew just what to say to erase all of her doubts. That ugly, nagging thing in the back of her mind told her this relief was temporary, short lived and fleeting. Yet somehow, Catra felt like this time it would last.

She leaned down further and wrapped Razz up in a tight embrace, hoping it would convey just how grateful she was. “Thank you… just… thank you.”

Razz didn’t hesitate to hug her back, patting the back of her head. “You’re welcome, dearie.”

The door opened again, and Mara stepped out. “Call us if you need anything, okay? And remember what I told you.”

“I will!”

“Oh, and-- oh, Catra! Welcome back!”

“Catra?” Adora leaned her head out the door, donning a grin that stretched from ear to ear. “Catra, hey!”

_ God I love her. _

“Hey, Adora. Glad to see you didn’t burn down the building.”

Adora rolled her eyes and turned back to Mara. “Thanks for coming to see me, and for the pies. And, y’know,  _ the talk _ .”

“Of course. You take it easy, okay? Rest that knee! You were on your feet too much today.”

One last hug and Mara parted from her, coming up to greet Catra. Razz had let her go just long enough for Catra to stand straight, just in time for Mara to pull her into her own fierce hug.

“Thanks for taking care of our girl,” she whispered.

Catra fought the tears that pricked at her eyes from the sheer amount of appreciation in her voice. “I… uh, yeah, no problem.”

Mara parted, but placed a steady hand on her shoulder as her face grew stoic. “Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, okay?”

_ Dammit, making me feel things… how did I ever hate you? _

Catra could only nod in response, feeling her throat tighten. With that, Razz and Mara made their way down, chatting about plans for the rest of their week. Catra could swear she saw a few bright, white moths flicker off the walls, hovering around the white haired woman as she left.

She watched the steps for a few more seconds before making her way to Adora. “Your grandma’s a weird one. She's a good weird though.”

“Feels like she’s in her own world sometimes,” Adora nodded. “How was your day? Is your project going well?”

“Mm, about as well as it can, yeah. Still not sure what direction I’m going with it to be honest.”

They stepped back into the apartment, and Catra was immediately hit with that fresh baked smell that left her mouth watering. Sweet berries and buttery pie crust; it made her stomach rumble. She’d been so fixated on distracting herself with her work that she forgot to pick up any food or snacks. 

“Fuck I’m starving,” she muttered, making a beeline for the kitchen. “How much of that pie is left?”

“We actually had enough for two so we made a second one a little while ago. Haven’t even cut into it yet.”

Sure enough, there was a whole pie still on the counter, golden lattice and vibrant filling urging her closer. She stared at it, wide eyed and drooling, utterly baffled that something this nice came out of their dinky little kitchen. 

_ That woman is magic! _

“Well, what do you think?” Adora asked, handing her a plate. “I did all the lattice stuff on top. Does it, uh… does it look okay?”

“Does it-- Adora this looks amazing are you kidding! Seriously, great job.”

Her heart fluttered as Adora beamed at the praise. That bright, toothy smile, the way her eyes and nose crinkled with all her joy, it was everything Catra wanted. She wished she could always make her smile like that.

Catra forced herself to look away before she could stare for too long. “So, we cuttin’ into this thing or what?”

Her mind and body were still tired, but sitting on the couch, wolfing down pie with Adora, she felt so much lighter. Whole, even. 

And unbelievably happy.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prime claimed to be all seeing and all knowing, but y'know who the real omnipotent powerhouse is?
> 
> MADAME RAZZ!!
> 
> I'd like to think she'd give some good counsel to Catra if she ever got the chance. So here's her being a sweet ol' granny who knows a little more than she lets on ;)
> 
> IIIIIIN other news, I did a quick lil doodle of Catra and Adora from the previous chapter, so if y'all are interested I've posted it on twitter and instagram.
> 
> https://twitter.com/friendofarts/status/1286080959327006720?s=21
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CC9o8ViAHF5/?igshid=1ar3n42gi97lr
> 
> (Sorry for weird links, idk how they work on here. Anyone know how to make them work better?)
> 
> I might do more art of them in the future so hey, if there's a moment from any of these chapters you might wanna see, feel free to make a suggestion!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	6. ready for change (or am I?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to everyone for reading, y'all are lovely and appreciated!
> 
> made more art for this fic, this time from chapter 2! links below if you're interested!
> 
> https://twitter.com/friendofarts/status/1287196276820328450?s=21
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CDIYHGAAPi1/?igshid=1ombqgb8ylpal

Adora was never the type to just sit still. She didn’t know how to relax, barely indulged in down time and seemed almost violently opposed to the idea of having nothing to do. Catra could see that she was itching for something, anything even remotely important to occupy herself with as she laid on the couch. Her fingers drummed on her laptop’s keyboard as her good leg bounced with all her pent up energy. 

Catra set her sketch pad down, finding herself too distracted and uninspired to continue sketching. “Hey, you wanna go out or something?” 

Adora’s whole body sagged with relief at the prospect of moving even an inch. “Yes, please, I’m bored out of my mind here! I don’t know how anyone can sit still this long and do  _ nothing _ at all.”

“Just wait ‘til you discover napping.”

“Hey, I nap sometimes!”

“That’s about as true as me being part cat.” She stretched, humming at the gentle pop of her stiff limbs. “Falling asleep because of your meds doesn’t count. When’s the last time you actually  _ chose _ to lay down and nap?”

“Y’know…” Her voice lowered. “A while ago…”

“Uh huh. I think I’ve made my point.” Catra smirked. “So what are we doing? Where do you wanna go?”

“Could go to the beach, maybe? It’s been a while since we walked there. Not on the sand, though, it’s hard enough to walk on it with two good legs.”

Catra looked up as she mulled it over, rocking her head from side to side. “Yeah alright. But only if we stop for ice cream on the pier.”

“Deal!”

They both got ready for their evening out. Adora changed out of her loungewear into a pair of grey jeans, a white long sleeve tee with the BMU logo over her chest, and her varsity jacket. Catra came out in black joggers and a tank top with a cartoon cat skull on the left side of her chest. 

Adora scrunched her nose at Catra when she saw her without a jacket. “It’s gonna get cold over there. You’re not bringing anything?”

“All my shit’s covered in dust or paint from class, I don’t have any clean jackets. It’ll be fine, Adora, we’re not gonna be out that long anyways.” Catra’s eyes flickered with a mischievous glint. “Besides, didn’t we  _ both _ agree that I’m the hot one?”

Adora rolled her eyes. “Oh ha ha, how could I forget.”

They met at the door, Catra holding it open for her so she could hop out without issue. On her way out, Adora mumbled, “You’re not wrong, though.”

Catra just barely caught it, along with the tiny smile on Adora’s lips. Her heart skipped a beat, and Razz’s words echoed in her head once more.

_ She wants you in her life, Catra. _

**_She wants you--_ **

Shaking her head, Catra locked up and caught up to Adora on the stairs, quickly joining her at her side. She noted with a proud little smile how much better Adora had gotten when it came to navigating the stairs on crutches. Every day for the past week they’d gone out for a short walk as part of her rehabilitation. With enough practice and some extra padding - courtesy of Catra’s crafty improvisation - she’d more or less adapted to them with little issue.

Feeling a little chivalrous, Catra scampered ahead to the passenger side to hold the door open for Adora. “Your coffee stained carriage, m’lady.”

Adora rolled her eyes with a grin. “I believe those are supposed to be horse driven?”

“Horses? In this economy? I couldn’t even afford a pumpkin carriage!”

“You don’t need money for a pumpkin carriage, just a little magic.”

“Pssht. Fuh!  _ Just a little magic _ . Well you let me know where to find a little magic and maybe I’ll conjure something for you, princess.”

Adora slumped into the passenger side and handed her crutches off, watching with a little smile as Catra set them across the back seat. “I’m looking forward to it. Just… no glass slippers, please. That seems like a recipe for disaster.”

“Right?” Catra slammed the back door and leaned against it, crossing her arms over her chest. “Like, how do they have any traction? You’d slip all over the place trying to dance in those!”

“And can you imagine the blisters?”

They both shuddered at that. Catra shut Adora’s door and, with a smirk, slid across the hood of her car, landing on the other side with a bow. She got into the driver's seat and Adora shook her head at her.

“Show off.”

Catra grinned at her, tongue poking out through her teeth. “You love me.”

_ Wait no bad Catra where’s your filter-- _

“Soooo much,” Adora drawled, voice dripping with sarcasm.

A faint blush crept across Catra’s cheeks, but her confidence never faltered. She kept her signature smirk on her face as she faced forward to start driving. Internally though, those two words from Adora had her reeling. She needed another distraction.

“Hey,” Catra pulled her phone out and unlocked it, then handed it to Adora, “could you plug this in for me? I need some good driving music.”

Adora did, but stared at the phone with uncertainty. “Uuuh… what am I looking for?”

“I’ve got a playlist called ‘Drive Mix’ somewhere in there.”

_ … do I have anything incriminating? _

She heard Adora snort beside her. “Do I wanna know what’s in your ‘Hella Gay’ playlist?”

_ Oh I do. Great. _

“Depends on how much you’d like to yearn today.”

She glanced over to see Adora angle her eyes upward in thought. 

_ Is she seriously considering this? _

Adora shrugged and picked the Drive Mix, hitting shuffle as she set the phone down. A steady drum beat and bass strum faded in, Catra instinctively bobbing her head along as the song began. 7 by Catfish and the Bottlemen.

That was a safe one, right?

Then the pre-chorus kicked in, and she remembered why she got into this song in the first place.  _ Not right _ .

\-- And I’d beg you, but you know I’m never home 

And I’d love you, but I need another year alone

And I’ve tried to ignore it every time you phone --

\-- But I never come close --

Her voice was a low murmur, words barely leaving her lips as she sang along. “And I don’t think through things, I never get time. ‘Cause I don’t think things through…”

She’d done it out of habit, and hoped maybe Adora wouldn’t hear her. Unfortunately she could feel Adora’s eyes on her, watching, listening in with some mix of awe and admiration. Catra rarely sang around her, but today she was feeling especially giddy, and didn’t have as many reservations about exposing herself.

\-- Larry call a load of smoke in, I wanna disappear for days,

We’ve probably never struggled sleeping, but I never want to --

“And I’d beg you, but you know I’m never home…”

Catra’s voice got a little louder. “And I’d love you, but I need another year alone. And I’ve tried to, ignore it every time you phone,” voice lowered once more. “But I never come close...”

“I don’t think through things, I never get time. ‘Cause I don’t think things through.”

And continued, following along with the rest of the lyrics as the song concluded. They came to a stop light, and when she looked at Adora the other girl’s expression struck a chord deep within her. Adora was starry eyed, mouth hanging open ever so slightly. Her amazement was clear, but something else swirled behind her gaze, something almost… sad? Some sort of longing?

Whatever it was, it made Catra’s chest tighten.

She focused back on the road ahead as they started moving. “I uh… I listened to that one a lot. Before we really started talking again. ‘S pretty good.”

Adora blinked hard, as if trying to reset herself. “Oh! Oh, right, uh, yeah…”

Another song came on as they fell into tense silence. Catra drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, looking everywhere that  _ wasn’t _ her best friend. Her hands started to get clammy, and her mouth dried as she became more and more aware of the space between them. 

_ Fuck, why am I so nervous? _

Just a casual outing between two friends. Best friends. Ice cream and a walk. What was there to worry about?

Maybe it was the beach setting giving it a more romantic undertone. Or the fact that it was nearing golden hour, when Adora’s hair and eyes would catch the light in just the right way to make her absolutely radiant. Maybe it was this casual intimacy, Catra sharing the parts of herself she normally kept hidden. It was liberating and terrifying all at once, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to stop the momentum just yet. She wanted to keep pushing, keep getting closer. She wanted to take more chances on… whatever this was. Whatever it might be.

_ Trust yourself. _

She glanced at Adora from the corner of her eye. She was looking out the passenger side window with a very slight smile, bobbing her head and tapping her good foot along with the music. 

**_Trust her_ ** .

Catra had been mulling over Razz’s advice nonstop since they left a few days prior. Something deep within her clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe, Adora might return her feelings. That maybe she  _ could _ take a chance on making her feelings known, and not be afraid of losing Adora for good.

**_You have nothing to fear_ ** .

_ Nothing to fear _ …

Catra cranked up the volume with a smirk. 

_ Okay Razz, let’s see if you’re right about this. _

\-----

The beach wasn’t too crowded, so there was plenty of parking available for them. Catra backed into a space in the front row. A wide sidewalk separated the parking lot and small park from the actual beach, with a 3 foot concrete wall dividing sidewalk from sand. At the left end of the beach was a long pier, where the ice cream shop sat between a restaurant and arcade. The pier itself stood high over the water, so they either had to brave a steep hill or climb a flight of stairs to get to it.

They made their way onto the sidewalk, a little less than halfway towards the pier. The gentle rumble of ocean waves, the smell of warm sand and salted air, the light breeze sending a pleasant chill through her body. She didn’t realize how much she needed this little break from the world until she was there in the moment, and one glance at Adora told her she felt the same way.

Adora had looked so pale since the surgery, but now? Now she was practically glowing. All rosy cheeks and golden hair, sun kissed skin and bright smiles. This was the happiest and healthiest she’d looked in a while, and Catra was  _ living _ for it.

“Should we start walking?” Adora asked, snapping her out of her trance.

“Wha-- uh, yeah! Yeah, let’s go!”

They made their way towards the pier at a leisurely pace, silently enjoying the view, as well as each other's company. Catra kept her hands stuffed in her pockets as they walked, fingers fussing with the tangled jumble of earbuds she had with her. They were so close, and part of her felt oddly grateful that Adora’s hands were occupied, else she might get a little  _ too _ daring and reach for one. Her palm was practically itching with the desire to slot her hand with Adora’s.

They opted for the stairs, and made the slow climb up to the pier. The top of the steps let them off beside the arcade, filled with wild children and exhausted parents trying to keep them corralled in the building. 

Catra instinctively placed herself between Adora and the small group, not wanting to take a chance on someone knocking her over. The door to the ice cream shop was wide open, and they left the cool ambience of the ocean air for the colder bite of freezers and air conditioning. Catra shivered, clicking her teeth together in displeasure.

“Crap, maybe I should’ve brought a jacket…” she muttered. 

“Told you.”

“ _ Shut up _ .”

The girl behind the counter welcomed them in and offered a sample of anything they wanted to try. The shop had twelve flavors, six that were regular ice cream options and six that were specialty gelatos. Catra opted for a double scoop, chocolate and salted caramel ice creams, while Adora got two scoops of gelato, strawberry and black vanilla.

Adora fished her wallet out while Catra picked up the cups. “How much is it?”

“Hey, no, let me pay,” Catra nagged, giving her a bump with her elbow.

“ _ No _ , I’ve got it.”

“Adora--”

“ _ I’ve got it _ .” She handed her card over. “You’ve been taking such great care of me, let me treat you today.”

Catra didn’t like letting people pay for her. She didn’t like feeling burdensome, or like she might owe something to them later by taking whatever they gave her. She didn’t want to rely on others for anything. Another effect of Sharon Weaver’s world-class parenting. For Adora, though, she could swallow her pride and accept.

“Okay, okay. Thanks…”

Adora smiled at her, and Catra could swear her heart melted on the spot. They wrapped up in the shop and made their way out, walking a little further down the pier. Benches lined it on either side every few feet, all the way to the end where the pier widened into an octagon. There was a gazebo at the center that people sometimes rented out for weddings, with tall metal torches to keep the area heated.

The two of them wouldn’t make it that far, however. Catra was, unfortunately, too afraid of the height and the water down below to make it very far on the pier. They were halfway when her snail’s pace crawled to a stop, and she had to actively keep herself from looking over the edge. Adora smiled sympathetically and nodded to the nearest bench, sitting and facing away from the railing.

Adora chatted about her classes as they ate to distract Catra from her unease, and she was more than grateful for it. Besides the sound of waves lapping against the pier’s supports, she could forget where exactly they were and just focus on them.

She honed in on every influx, every rise or fall in pitch, every furrowed brow and frustrated huff. She noted everything that seemed to infuriate or delight her, no matter how minor it might have been. If nothing else, Catra at least wanted to be a good listener for her.

Adora had just finished ranting about an upcoming group project when she suddenly changed gears. “Anyways, what about you? How’ve your classes been going?”

It took her a minute to process her question. “My classes… they’re fine, I guess. The only one I’m really having trouble with is sculpture. We’re working on the final and our professor gave us a theme, but I don’t really know what to  _ do _ with it. Like,  _ Change. _ That’s it. It’s so broad, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?”

“Well, what ideas have you had?”

“Too many to pick just one,” Catra grumbled, taking another bite. “Every time I think I’ve settled on one I…” she scoffed, “ _ change _ my mind about it. I don’t feel strongly about any of them. Except…”

She chewed her lip and stared down into her cup, prodding at the softening ice cream with her spoon. There was an idea she explored when it was first assigned, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go so… personal… with the project. And she was even less sure if she wanted to explain the whole thing to Adora. 

Especially since Adora was a part of it.

“... except?” Adora leaned closer, waiting expectantly for her to continue.

Catra made a low whine and turned her head away. “There is  _ one _ that I really liked. It’s just… it’s kinda… y’know, personal. I don’t know how I feel about… exposing myself. To so many people.”

_ Exposing myself to you _ .

“Right, they’re doing that exhibition…”

Catra nodded, face sullen. “Got a little gallery and everything, open to the public. So it’s not just students looking at whatever I put out there, literally anyone could see it… see me… I don’t know how I feel about that.”

Adora shuffled closer, shoulder to shoulder, and placed one of her hands over Catra’s. She welcomed the warmth radiating from her friend’s body, realising for the first time how cold her own arms and hands were in comparison. Catra forced herself to look up and meet Adora’s gaze.

“This idea is something you’re passionate about?” She asked.

“... yeah. Yeah, it is.”

There it was again, that lopsided grin of hers that made Catra’s heart soar. “I think you should do it. You’d have a lot more fun working with the thing you’re passionate for, right? And I think the result would be so much better than if you worked on something you didn’t like.”

“Plus,” Adora gave her a reassuring squeeze. “I think you’ve got a great story to tell. I’m sure everyone will love it.”

Catra’s gaze fell as a frown formed on her face. “I wouldn’t be so sure, princess… look, can we stop talking about this? I don’t want to stress over this when we came out here to unwind or whatever.”

With a sigh, Adora nodded. “Of course. Just… think about it, okay? I won’t pry into your idea, but I really do think it’d be amazing, whatever it is.” 

“Sure… I’ll think about it.”

Seemingly satisfied, Adora switched gears and loaded her spoon with a mix of her two flavors, and held the mix up to Catra. “Wanna try it? The vanilla is really good!”

Catra stared at the spoonful, wide eyed and more than a little flustered. It would’ve been one thing if she’d just offered a bite, but this? Feeding it to her herself? This was entirely different. And Catra couldn’t decide if it was  _ good _ different or  _ bad _ different. All she knew was that her brain was short circuiting from how obliviously CUTE Adora was being, and her little gay heart couldn’t take much more.

She must’ve taken too long to respond, as Adora sheepishly began to draw the spoon back. “Sorry, was that weird? I just, we used to do that all the time when we were little and I, I thought-- well I don’t know what I thought nevermind, I--”

Catra grabbed her wrist and sprung forward, closing her lips around the spoonful, eyes locked on Adora’s baby blues. They stayed frozen for a few seconds, both unsure of what to do next or how to move. Catra’s thumb pressed hard against her wrist, feeling her pulse race just a little bit faster.

_ Huh. _

It faded all too quickly as Adora averted her eyes, and Catra withdrew. She savoured the sweet mixture for a moment before swallowing thickly, and flashed a toothy grin Adora’s way. “Hey, that is pretty good!” 

“Heh, yeah, uh, Glimmer told me about it after she came with Bow so I’ve been wanting to try it… I, uh, I’m glad you like it.” Adora brushed a few loose hairs behind her ear, still looking anywhere but her. She couldn’t hide the deep blush on her cheeks, however, least of all from Catra.

_ Well that’s… interesting. _

They finished their ice cream, occasionally sharing bites, finishing as the sun started to set. Once done, they made their way back down the stairs to the beach, strolling back towards their car in no particular rush. Adora looked out over the water and stopped in her tracks, mouth hung in stunned silence as a red sun dipped on the horizon.

Catra carried on a few more steps before she noticed her friend had stopped. When she turned to face her she, too, was floored by the view.

Except, hers was a little different.

She saw Adora, illuminated by a golden light, hair a radiant halo around her head. Her eyes held the ocean, reflected the sun as it made its bed in the distant waters. Adora’s cheeks, as well as the tip of her nose and ears, were sun kissed and made rosy by the cold breeze. She stood taller than she had in the past week, looked more lively than she had in the past month. To Catra, Adora was the most beautiful sight to be seen on this entire beach, no contest.

And then Adora turned to her, all smiles and adoration, and Catra came to a visceral understanding that nothing and no one else would ever make her as happy as she did. There was no way. She could force herself to move on, sleep around, date anyone who expressed the barest interest in her like she tried to in the past, but it would never be enough. 

She wanted to be with Adora. She could spend the rest of her life swimming in her ocean eyes and never get tired. So now the question was whether she thought Adora wanted the same, and if Catra was willing to take a chance to find out.

… she knew what she wanted to do.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed each chapter keeps getting longer and longer. Someone please stop me before I try to put out a 6,000 word chapter, I need SELF CONTROL.
> 
> These two just make me so soft, I can't resist wanting to write all this wholesome fluff for them ;-;
> 
> give them some happy times before I bring on the hurt--
> 
> 👀 *COUGHCOUGH* AHEM, ANYWAYS, hope y'all enjoyed!!!


	7. love hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. Guys it happened. I wrote a nearly 6,000 word chapter guys.  
> Literally THE NEXT CHAPTER after I joked about it.  
> But I just couldn't bring myself to break this up, so here's this big ol' monster for y'all.
> 
> Also, potential trigger warning for this one for brief mentions of child abuse. Nothing too explicit, and when I say brief I mean BRIEF. But the reference to physical abuse is there, so if you're sensitive to those kinds of things please proceed with caution and be gentle with yourself. 
> 
> Love y'all, take care of yourselves and enjoy the longer upload!

Catra’s shoulders slumped as she knocked at the door, eyes cast to the ground as she waited. Beyond the thick slab of wood the muffled sound of pop music cut out, and a quiet voice slowly drew closer to the door.

She wanted to run. Her hands started to tremble at her sides, balled up in fists so tight her nails dug into her palms. There was no turning back though, not now. She couldn’t. She needed to do this.

The door cracked open, only to be flung wider as a jovial voice reached her ears. “Catra! Wow, we weren’t expecting you today, what brings you here?”

Catra tried to look up, but she only made it as far as her friend’s stomach. She could hear the gasp, see a broad hand reach toward her, only to hover in the space between them. She knew how this must look. Catra trembling at her doorstep, bottom lip sucked between her teeth, red eyes and tear stained cheeks. She was a fucking mess, she knew that.

“... hey, Scorpia. Can I--” her voice cracked, and she bit back the angry growl that wanted to rip its way out of her throat. “Can I crash here, for a little while?”

Scorpia shuffled aside without hesitation, ushering Catra in with a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Of course, yeah, come in!”

The apartment was a perfect blend of Scorpia’s and Perfuma’s personalities. House plants and knick knacks were scattered throughout in what could only be described as organized chaos, decorating the space without making it feel cluttered. Bohemian decor with a little modern flare. The scent of lavender and jasmine filled the air as an oil diffuser wafted another puff of mist into the air.

Perfuma, who’d been waiting on the living room couch, shot up to greet her. What would have normally been an energetic hug was instead a careful brush of the hand as Perfuma pulled her to sit. The three of them gathered on the couch, Catra sandwiched between the two, hunched over with her head in her hands.

Perfuma placed a hand on her shoulder, leaning to get a better look at her face. “Catra, what happened?”

She could feel another hand on her back, warm and reassuring, thumb rubbing small circles between her shoulder blades. She remembered with self-disgust how, in the past, she would have lashed out, yelling at Scorpia about personal space or whatever other stupid gripe she used to have. Now though, the contact was more than welcome. She needed this, needed the comfort, even if she didn’t think she deserved it.

“Talk to us, wildcat. You know we’re here for you.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be…” she muttered.

Catra rubbed her eyes harshly, letting a long sigh drag out of her. Lowering her hands, she cupped them over her mouth as she continued. “... I fucked up.”

\-----

Another week had rolled by since their walk on the beach. Adora’s stomach was pretty much fully healed, and she was ready to start physical therapy for her knee. Thanksgiving break was coming up fast, and both she and Catra were quickly swamped with work. They ended up spending less and less time together as the week progressed. Catra spent long hours in the arts department getting caught up on her sculpture, having finally landed on a single idea thanks to Adora’s speech, while Adora balanced her time between group meetings at the library and the occasional tutoring sessions.

That’s where the trouble began.

Catra began to notice things, little slip ups and stumbles here and there. Adora’s bedroom light through the gap under her door, well beyond the time she should be asleep or far too early for her normal waking hours. Dark circles and bags under reddened eyes, irritable scowls and droopy eyelids. Catra stopped hearing sounds from the kitchen before Adora’s morning classes, less trash in the bin, and noticed fewer dishes on the drying rack day by day.

Adora wasn’t eating.

Adora was barely sleeping.

Catra hoped Adora would take care of herself even when she wasn’t around, but clearly Adora hasn’t learned. She still kept her bad habits, still neglected her health just like she did before her injury. The big question though was  _ why _ .  _ Why _ wasn’t she taking care of herself?

She decided to confront her on yet another late night, around 1 a.m. when Catra had left her room for a glass of water. Catra knocked twice and entered, finding Adora hunched over her desk. Her eyes bounced back and forth between her laptop, phone, and textbook as she took notes and drew out plans for whatever assignment she was stressing over.

“Adora, what the hell are you doing? You should be asleep.”

“Group work. Can’t sleep yet.” She tapped her phone screen, clicking her tongue when she didn’t see what she wanted.

Catra stepped closer, leaning her hip on the desk as she, too, took a look at the phone. It was open to a group chat, where Adora had sent several messages in the past hour with no response. “Group work. Right. And where’s that group now?”

“... y’know… probably asleep.”

“And where were they earlier tonight?”

“They were online but, well, they’ve got other work and exams to cram for… I’ve been at home mostly so I’ve had more time to work on our presentation. They had other things they needed to work on.”

Catra pinched the bridge of her nose, letting out a long exhale. “Right. Sure. How many times have they flaked out on you like this?”

“They haven’t-- hey, Catra!” 

She snagged Adora’s phone, twirling away from the desk as she scrolled through their chat. Sure enough, her partners had made excuses multiple times for why they didn’t have their parts done, or why they couldn’t work together that day. And Adora would always, always enable it.

“ _ Give me that _ .” Adora hissed, limping over to her to take the phone back. “Y’know normally it’s considered rude to snoop on people’s conversations like that.”

“They’re taking advantage of you Adora, and you’re  _ letting _ them.”

“I am not!”

“ _ Yes _ , you are. Just look at that chat, look at how often they’ve made excuses to you! They don’t even give a shit that you’re still recovering, they’re letting you do all the work while they sit on their asses and do fuck all!” 

Adora narrowed her eyes, turning away to return to her desk. “It’s not like that, okay? They just…” She _click, click,_ _clicked_ her pen anxiously as she searched for her place in the book again. “People work at their own pace, they just need more time to get their parts done.”

“Sure, and while they take their sweet time figuring their shit out you’ll just slave away all night, right? No big deal? ‘Cause we sure haven’t seen you like  _ this _ before, have we?”

_ Click, click, click. _

Adora frowned, brow furrowing as she turned her head away. “This isn’t the same--”

“Isn’t it?” Catra walked over and slapped her hand on the desk. “You wear yourself out because  _ other people are relying on you _ , because  _ you somehow feel responsible for their success _ , because you feel the need to do everything for everyone regardless of how much it fucks you up in the end. That sounds pretty familiar to me, Adora.”

Adora dropped her head in her hands, pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes. You could cut the tension between them with a knife. Catra was absolutely fuming, but Adora just seemed too exhausted to put up much more of a fight. 

And fuck if that didn’t make Catra’s heart ache.

Stomping down her anger, she placed a hand on Adora’s book, blocking her view of the page. “You need sleep,” she murmured. “Take a break, please. You worked your ass off all night, you’re allowed to step away now.”

_ Click, click. _

“... okay. Okay, I’ll sleep.”

“Thank you… and can we  _ please _ talk about this more tomorrow? This is important.”

Adora held herself, face scrunching in discomfort. “... alright.”

It wasn’t ideal, but it was enough for Catra for the moment. Tomorrow Adora had no morning class but Catra did, then they’d be free to talk in the afternoon. She was hopeful that after everything that happened over the last two weeks, she could get through to Adora.

But oh how wrong she was.

\-----

What should’ve been almost three hours of studio time ended in about forty minutes. Catra’s professor had a sudden emergency and needed to leave early, so class was dismissed. With another class still in progress where she’d normally work on her sculpture, Catra had nothing else to do except go home. Seemed that talk would be happening much, much sooner.

It would be a difficult conversation for Adora, she knew, so she decided to pick up some food on the way back. Four big, fluffy cinnamon rolls from their favorite cafe, and two latte’s. Simple and easy. Perfect ice breaker for the rough talks ahead. Perfect surprise for her friend.

Catra balanced the box of rolls and their coffees carefully against her chest as she opened the door to their apartment, backing into it to let herself in.

“Hey Adora, class ended way early!” She kicked the door shut and turned to face the rest of the apartment. “Hope you’re hungry, I bought us some…”

Her heart seized. Hands clenched tighter around the box she was holding, crunching the cardboard. The coffee cups on top teetered precariously as her body shook. Catra’s mouth dried as her heartbeat picked back up, pounding against her chest, desperate for escape.

_ … what the fuck. _

Two figures, sitting adjacent to one another at the dining table. Adora, eyes wide as saucers and filled with fear, perhaps horror, Catra couldn’t focus enough on her to tell. Two steaming mugs and a plate of some mystery pastry between the two. 

A bouquet of black roses, tied together with a blue ribbon.

Sharon Weaver.

“What. The fuck. Are  _ YOU _ doing here!” Catra quickly rushed forward and slammed the box down on the counter, ignoring the scalding burn that wetted her hands. “I told you to stay the  _ fuck _ away from us, why are you here?!”

Sharon eyed her warily, one leg crossed over the other, elbow to table and head leaning on her hand. “Here to check on Adora, of course. And it’s a good thing I did, too, seems she hasn’t been doing so well.”

Catra’s breaths came in shallow bursts. Teeth ground together as she scowled at the woman before her, and the fists clenched at her sides wanted so desperately to hit, and claw, and break. Boiling rage built in her gut, crawled up to her chest to coil around her heart and lungs. It choked every other emotion out of her so all she could do was  _ hate _ .

Adora stood and reached a hand out to her. “Catra, please, let me explain--”

“No! No, you do not get to butt in right now! And you!” She pointed a shaky finger at Sharon. “Don’t act like you care! I already told you, she doesn’t need you. Now get. The FUCK out. Get out of our house!”

Sharon had the audacity to smile. “Now that’s no way to treat a guest, Catra. I thought I taught you better than that. You never were a very good learner, though, not like  _ Adora. _ ”

Catra hated the way her skin crawled when Sharon spoke their names.

“I must say I’m rather disappointed. I thought you’d be more mature than this,” she continued. “So childish. You’ll never get anywhere in life if you keep acting so--”

“GET. OUT.” 

Catra’s voice broke. Her throat felt raw and sore, and tears gathered in her mismatched eyes as she glared at the woman. She hated her. She hated her so much. She had the nerve to invade their space, the nerve to  _ insult her _ in her own home. She vaguely heard Adora admonishing the woman for it, but she could hardly hear past her blood pounding in her ears. 

Sharon stood, hands tucked behind her back, and said a short goodbye to Adora. Gathering her dark red coat and purse, she made her way toward the door, pausing when she was next to Catra.

“So disappointing,” she spat, and left. 

Catra followed to slam the door behind her, not just locking it but putting the bolt chain in as well. For a while her hand lingered on the doorknob, reddened and throbbing from the coffee burn she’d gotten. She tried to breathe, tried to calm down, but anger quickly made way for sheer terror as the two emotions danced behind her eyes.

_ She knows where we live _ .

The image of Sharon Weaver towering over her wouldn’t leave her mind.

**_She knows where I live._ **

Towering over her with belt in hand, ready to strike. 

_ sheknowssheknowssheknows _

Pain. All the pain she inflicted on Catra when she was younger. It all felt impossibly fresh in her head, in her body. So overwhelming. She wanted to vomit.

_ Why _

Catra let go, and slowly turned back to Adora with a vacant glare. The other girl was standing beside the table, wringing the hem of her shirt nervously as she watched Catra. Her movements were sluggish as she trudged over, eyes never leaving the blonde. She let the silence hang between them for a moment as she tried to rein her voice in. It didn’t work, though. She couldn’t stop the hateful bite in her tone, the seething rage that tore its way out of her throat.

“Adora.” They were just a few feet apart, but Adora winced like Catra was right in her face. “Why. Was. She. Here. Why’d you let her in?”

Catra rarely raised her voice at her roommate. She’d spent too much time when they were apart screaming her heart out, taking all her anger out on Adora when she’d done nothing wrong. She tried so hard to control it so she wouldn’t hurt Adora again, and to her credit she hadn’t had a major blow up in over three years. 

This time though, she was teetering on the edge of a deep pit that threatened to swallow her whole. She could still feel the lingering heaviness that seemed to follow Weaver everywhere she went. That inky black aura that sucked all the life and joy from a room. It made her stomach churn. 

“I… I don’t know, I just, she, she said she wanted to talk, I thought, maybe, with the way she asked, I thought… she’d apologize. For everything she did to us-- to  _ you _ . I thought maybe she finally cared--”

“You really think someone like  _ Sharon Fucking Weaver _ apologizes for anything?” She laughed bitterly, shaking her head. “That witch doesn’t know the meaning of remorse, period. You shouldn’t have even given her the chance!”

Silence. Adora hung her head in shame, unable to form a response.

“Well, what did she want? What bullshit did she fill your head with this time?” Catra asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

Adora’s brows furrowed with a flicker of anger in her eyes. Catra could see her jaw working, teeth grinding behind closed lips in Adora’s attempt to keep her own anger from boiling over.

_ Fucks sake Catra, stop antagonizing her.  _

Adora’s eyes bounced about the apartment, looking at everything but her. “She wanted to ask about school, about my injury. I mentioned I was stressed about some classes, that I… that I’m worried… about my future. So she started telling me not to get distracted, not to lose my focus on what’s important. Focus on school, keeping my grades up, working my way back up to the top of my class.”

_ But not herself. Not… me. _

Her gaze fell to her feet. “Y’know… be better.”

“What do you mean ‘be better’? Better at what?”

“At everything!” Adora threw her hands up, turning away to start pacing around. “I only got into BMU because I was good at basketball,  _ everything _ I’ve earned here is because of that. All my success, scholarships, all the networking and social graces, I only got it all because I played decently. I haven’t really  _ earned _ anything. I just… got lucky.”

She turned back to Catra with a lifeless stare. “I’m not worth anything anymore... I need to work twice as hard now if I want to stay at the top. I have to earn my success again.”

_ Not worth anything? _

Catra would cry if she wasn’t so utterly infuriated at everything she was hearing. Adora looked so tired. Her voice sounded so broken. How long had she been thinking like this?

“Who are you trying to prove yourself to?”

Seeing Adora’s confusion at her question, she reiterated, “who do think you need to prove this to? Why do you need to prove anything to anyone?”

Adora stayed deathly silent as she held herself, and sat back down at the table. The more time Catra had to analyze everything she’d said, the more all her behavior started to make sense. Late nights, skipping meals, excessive workloads… she cared more about what everyone else thought than about what she needed. Sharon raised her to be a yes-woman, a people pleaser, showering her with praise and adoration any time she did what Sharon wanted.

_ Oh. _

“That’s why you let her in, isn’t it?” Catra asked. “Sharon. You were hoping she’d praise you, gas you up like she always did.”

Adora’s shocked expression met Catra’s own pained frown, then fell away as she dropped her head again. “I… I just wanted to feel like I’m still worth something.”

It felt like Catra’s heart was being torn to shreds. A deep ache spread through her chest, and her stomach twisted at Adora’s response. So desperate for validation that she’d seek it out from Sharon Weaver of all people. Catra wondered how the hell she missed it all this time, how long she’d been unable to see that Adora was hurting this much. 

“That’s also why you’re taking on all that group work, right? You feel like you have something to prove? Prove you can handle four people’s worth of work on your own?”

Adora gave a tiny shrug.

Catra rubbed her face roughly, then pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. “Right. Okay. Well what’s the point, then, Adora? What are you getting out of this?”

_ Stop antagonizing stop antagonizing. _

Adora’s discomfort was palpable. She hugged herself tight, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. Her eyes were flitting about anxiously across the floor. “I… I don’t--”

“What about you? What about  _ your _ needs?”

“... it doesn’t matter.”

“That’s  _ bullshit _ . Of course it matters, of course  _ you _ matter! You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, least of all Sharon, to know you’re worth something!” Catra growled, running a hand through her bangs. “Why can’t you ever be selfish?”

“I-I’m sorry--”

“ _ No. _ Fucks sake,  _ no, _ I don’t want you to apologize, I want you to think about yourself for a change! I want you to stop being a walking doormat for everyone to use and wipe their shit on, I want you to put yourself first!”

Adora’s eyes were glistening with tears, but Catra couldn’t stop herself anymore. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to care about someone who won’t give a shit about themselves? You put everyone above yourself and look what happens. You get hurt, you start believing all this toxic shit about yourself and your head spirals into all these awful places… you give and you give and you give, you do everything that everyone else wants but what about you? What about what  _ you _ want, Adora?”

Somewhere in her tirade she crossed a line. Adora’s face twisted with pain and frustration as tears rolled down her cheeks. Scowling at Catra, she got up and started limping toward the kitchen, bouquet in hand. “Well, I didn’t realize I was  _ such _ a burden to you. If it’s so hard to care for me why don’t you just stop, then? I don’t need you coddling me like some wounded puppy anymore!”

Adora jammed the flowers into the trash can, cutting her fingers on a few stray thorns. She didn’t care though, too blinded by anger to acknowledge the blood gathering on her palm. “I’m not weak and I’m not stupid, I know what I’m doing, Catra!”

Catra was mortified. This wasn’t what she wanted, that wasn’t at all what she meant. She reached a hand out, desperate to fix her mistake, desperate to heal the hurt. Adora kept her distance, however, and cradled the bloody hand to her chest.

“You know what I want?” Adora spat. “I want to be alone.”

She rushed into her room and slammed the door shut, and the sound of it echoed through Catra’s hollow chest.

She really fucked up.

\-----

Thus, Catra ended up at Scorpia and Perfuma’s apartment. She didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to handle their fight or the new insight she had into Adora’s mental state. So in a hasty, anxiety induced decision, she ran. She hoped in her car and started driving in no particular direction, searching for something, anything that might calm her down or tell her what the right thing to do was. By the time she had finally settled down, and her mind was a little clearer, she realized she was near their friend’s place. She needed help, people she could trust. Who better than them?

“I can’t believe Sharon showed up at your apartment! I mean, how’d she even find it?” Scorpia asked.

“Fuck if I know. Probably followed one of us from school, creepy bitch…” Catra sighed, and rubbed her eyes again. “Guys, what am I supposed to do? How do I fix this?”

Perfuma turned her body towards Catra and took her hands, holding them on her lap. “Well, giving Adora and yourself time and space is as good a start as any. I think you both need some time to come down from all that tension and negativity. Give it a night, then tomorrow you could try to initiate a conversation. If she doesn’t respond well, back down and give her more time. Adora tends to be a fairly forgiving person, I don’t think it’ll take long for her to be open to talk.”

Catra nodded, but couldn’t fight the frown that pulled at her lips. “Even if she’s ready, what if I’m not? I’ve never been very good at… being open, about my feelings. I don’t want to say the wrong thing again, I-- I can’t hurt her again, I can’t!”

She curled in on herself, pulling her hands away to clutch her biceps. Catra held herself like she was about to shatter, fighting the urge to cry again. She didn’t feel she had the right to when she was the one who lost control, when  _ she _ was the one that hurt Adora. The sting that came with the hours old burns almost came as a relief, pain she earned for being so careless. The beginning of her penance.

A pair of strong arms wrapped around her, enveloping her in a hug so gentle she almost couldn’t believe it was Scorpia. “Oh wildcat, I know it’s tough but you’ve just gotta be honest with her. She’ll understand!”

“Ever the optimist…”

“It doesn’t hurt to hope for the best,” Perfuma added. “I do agree, though. This really isn’t an easy thing to talk about, especially with someone you care so much about. You have to understand, Catra, hurting the people you love comes with the territory.”

Catra glared at her, but listened as she explained herself. “The truth hurts, and the truth about Adora’s situation is that she’s holding onto a lot of unhealthy habits. She’s in a toxic headspace that she can’t see, but you can. And you want to help her out of it. That won’t come without a little pain on both ends, though.”

“Oh. Right…”

“It will be worth it though! It’ll be worth it to open up to each other about what went wrong, and what you’re both feeling now that you’ve gotten some distance from your fight. I think you’ll both come out of it better off in the end.”

Catra eyed her warily. “... how do you know?”

Perfuma scrunched her lips to the side, shoulders rising as she made a contemplative hum. “Well, I don’t really. But I have to believe it-- I  _ want _ to believe it. I believe your relationship is too strong for an argument like this to drive you apart.”

“Yeah! I mean, gosh, have you seen the way Adora looks at you? She loves you so much, Catra, no way something like this will break you up!”

At that, Catra actually smiled. “Thanks, both of you. You guys really--”

_ … WAIT. _

Catra jerked out of the hug, staring bug eyed at Scorpia. “The way she looks at me? What are you talking about, what do you mean 'break us up'?”

Scorpia blinked at her once, twice, before her eyebrows shot up high on her forehead. “Oh. Oh gosh, are you not-- I am  _ so _ sorry, I just, I assumed-- are you two not together?”

Perfuma gasped at Catra’s other side, pulling her wild gaze to her. “Oh, Catra, we all thought you two were dating!”

“WHAT.”

“You were always so close, we thought--”

“WHO’S WE?”

“The whole group!” Scorpia chirped, and started counting on her fingers. “Mermista, Seahawk, Bow, Glimmer, Netossa, Spinnerella, Entrapta-- actually I think a lot of people at school assumed you two were dating already. You went to all her games, she would always go see you in the arts department between classes, you guys always hug and play fight and brush shoulders… then there was that one game of truth or dare--”

“OKAY, okay, I get it.” Catra groaned, rubbing her temples.

“So… you  _ aren’t _ dating?”

“No!”

“But you do want to be with her, don’t you?” Scorpia pressed.

“ _ Yes _ , but…” Catra mumbled something neither of them could hear. They leaned in closer, effectively sandwiching her between them.

“What was that?” Perfuma asked.

She pulled her legs up, hugging her knees into her chest. “I said I don’t deserve her!” Catra yelled. “I don’t deserve to be loved…”

They all went dead silent. Catra hid her face in her knees and sniffled, eyes shut tight against the fresh tears that wanted to spill over. She could feel Scorpia shift uncomfortably next to her, scrambling for a response. Perfuma was stiff as a board, however, and eerily quiet.

She wished she would’ve just kept her mouth shut. It seemed like any time she spoke she screwed up somehow. She didn’t want to upset them. She didn’t want the pitiful glances or sympathetic comforts. For once she just wanted to  _ not _ drag people down.

Then Catra heard a chuckle.

Catra lifted her eyes just enough to glance at Perfuma, who was shaking her head. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, it’s just… you wonder why we thought you were dating, but you two are so similar it’s hard not to think that.”

Catra raised a brow at her, more curious than anything. 

Perfuma continued. “You don’t think you deserve love, Adora doesn’t think she deserves what she has now. Sounds pretty similar to me.”

“... oh.” Catra shifted, lifting her head a little. “Shit.”

“You both went through trauma no one else in our group can really understand. Being raised by that woman, growing up together in such an oppressive environment, abused by the person who was supposed to love and care for you… only you and Adora can really understand one another, and how that shared past affects you.”

“You didn’t have any problems with Frosta?”

Perfuma shook her head. “Frosta’s story is much different. Her home environment was always more… stable, even when she was in foster care. She was never hurt the way you two were. Plus, well, getting a younger sister is a little different from falling for your best friend.”

“Yeah, you got me there,” Catra grinned.

“My point is,” Perfuma placed a hand on Catra’s shoulder, shooting her a warm smile. “You and Adora understand each other best. You both have negative mentalities that you need to work on, similar thought patterns that need to be broken. I think you can help each other through that. You both need to learn that you deserve the chance to love, and be loved.”

Catra wanted to look away, avoid acknowledging her last statement, but the intensity of Perfuma’s gaze held her mismatched eyes and wouldn’t let go. Lithe hands cupped her cheeks, and a gentle thumb brushed a tear away. “You deserve to be loved, Catra.”

Whatever determination she had not to cry broke. Catra choked down a sob, Perfuma pulling her close to cradle her head to her chest. A second pair of arms squeezed around both of them as Scorpia shuffled behind Catra, sniffling loudly and fighting back tears. The hug was smothering, and her back strained from the odd angle she was in, but she didn’t care. Just for tonight, she’d indulge in this.

“I think I’m getting snot on your dress,” Catra mumbled.

“It’ll wash out.” Perfuma patted her back. “Need some tissues?”

“... yes blease.”

They parted from the hug, though Scorpia still kept an arm wrapped around Catra’s shoulders, as Perfuma went to get the tissues. After Catra got cleaned up, Scorpia took the chance to inspect her hands.

“Hey, you said you got burnt, right?” She pressed carefully against reddened skin, earning a wince from Catra.

“A little, yeah. I’m lucky the coffee wasn’t scalding, it cooled off some on the drive.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got just the thing!”

“No, Scorpia, it’s fi--”

She was already up, bounding into the bathroom in just three strides.

_ Man her legs are long. _

Catra sighed and turned to Perfuma, who’d returned with the box of tissues and a glass of water. “So you two are really cool with me crashing here tonight? Adora’s probably in her room, I could just sneak in…”

“Nonsense. You’re always welcome here, Catra. I’m glad you could trust us enough to come here.”

“... thanks. For… for everything.”

Perfuma beamed as Scorpia returned with a small medical kit. She spread aloe lotion and an antibiotic cream over the backs of Catra’s hands, as well as part of her left palm, and loosely bandaged both. Catra flexed her hands a couple of times just to test them, and thanked her with a sheepish smile.

As the evening wound down they got caught up on other events, chatting about work and classes, family life and plans for the holidays. The two were planning to go to Perfuma’s parent’s home for Thanksgiving, and Scorpia expressed her excitement to see Frosta again. Perfuma was close with her sister, sure, but Scorpia? They were two peas in a pod. When Perfuma had first introduced them Frosta was wary of her, but one intense snowball fight later she’d practically magnetized to Scorpia. Perfuma was grateful her girlfriend could so easily find her place within the family.

The evening wound down, and as the sunlight faded from the sky Catra’s eyelids started to droop. Perfuma and Scorpia shared a smile, and the former of the two stood. “Well, it’s been a long day for you, Catra. We’ll let you sleep.”

Catra blinked slowly at her, nodding as she pulled her legs back up on the couch. Scorpia brought her a blanket, Perfuma another glass of water, and the two looked over their friend with proud grins as she snuggled into the plush throw. 

“Goodnight, Catra.”

“See ya in the morning, Wildcat!”

“You’re welcome to the fridge and pantry if you need anything else. We’ll keep our door cracked open in case you need to call us.”

And with that, they were gone. The lights went out and Catra found herself alone, surrounded by unfamiliar shadows, nothing but herself and her thoughts to keep her company. She knew that her friends were just a few steps away. She knew she wasn’t alone.

But god damn she felt lonely.

It was vastly different from passing out on the couch at home. There, she knew every shadow and crevice, every corner and ridge. She could count the steps it took to get to her room, the bathroom, the kitchen, Adora’s room. She knew what to expect, and therefore felt secure.

This space was too unfamiliar, especially in the dark. The space was larger, more open, and yet more constrictive. The plants made odd shapes out of the corner of her eye, the drapes became tall figures stalking in the moonlight. Her heart was racing as she watched one shift and grow as if it were stepping toward her. It felt too much like the old days when she’d watch with bated breath as Sharon crept toward one of Catra’s hiding places. She could almost see that bony hand reaching for her in the dark.

Catra turned away and buried her face in the couch cushions, biting back a whimper. She didn’t want to disturb her friends with this, they’d already done so much for her. She had to handle this alone.

Catra curled up into a fetal position, pulling the blanket high over her head. She wished she could stop feeling so afraid. She wished that woman would stop tormenting her mind. And more than anything, she wished for the comforting warmth of Adora molding herself to her back to chase away the nightmares.

She drifted off, imagining it was Adora’s arms around her and not her own.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo remember when I said I would bring on the hurt? 🙃  
> It uh... it ain't over yet.  
> What can I say, I'm an angsty lil shite. Things will be okay though, promise!
> 
> Now I probably don't need to do this but just to be safe... don't take any advice from this to heart. I'm not an expert by any means when it comes to mental health, self care or conflict resolution. Ergo, Perfuma is not an expert either. If you're struggling with something and are able to consult a professional, please do. There's no shame in reaching out and asking for help.
> 
> If you don't have the means to seek professional help there's no shame in that either. Again, be gentle with yourself. Wherever you are in life, know that you're doing the best you can with what you've got. Take care of yourselves, guys, make your well being a priority.
> 
> ALSO! If there are any additional warnings I should put in the notes at the beginning please let me know, or if I've misspoken at any point at the end here call me out. I'll adjust the notes however I need to!
> 
> Thanks as always for reading! Hope you enjoyed!


	8. the talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This. Chapter. Was.  
> a CHALLENGE.  
> So sorry it's taken so much longer to update, but boy oh boy this one was a doozie. It's gone through several rewrites, many changes, because I'm indecisive as hell :3
> 
> BUT HERE WE GO Y'ALL, THE TALK!  
> (a number of talks, really)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

**Sparkles:** adora is at our apartment bawling, what happened???

**Sparkles:** she won’t talk to us, are you okay?

**Sparkles:** catra fucking ANSWER

**Sparkles:** catra please we’re freaking out here. call us!!!

… 

**Sparkles:** adora finally told us what happened. call, please, we need to talk about this

**Arrow Boy:** Hey Catra, I know Glim already blew up your phone but it’s been a few hours and we haven’t heard from you. Please let us know you’re okay.

**Arrow Boy:** We’re taking Adora to her appointment. Call ASAP.

**13 missed calls, 2 voicemails**

As it turns out, Catra is bad at keeping her phone charged. It died some time between the fight and her arrival at Scorpia’s, and she was too much of a mess to even think about checking it while she was there. So when she made it back home to an empty apartment, no sign of Adora anywhere, she was more than a little peeved that her phone was dead. She’d hoped they could get the heavy talks over with early on before she could overthink anything or chicken out, but it seemed she’d have to wait a little longer.

Catra plugged her phone in and retreated to her bathroom for a quick shower. By the time she was out again her phone was back on, and already she was dreading having to confront her friends on top of having a conversation with Adora. 

She picked through the texts first, feeling guilty that she left them hanging for so long. The last text from Bow had come around 9 a.m.; it was almost 10:30 now, Adora should still have a little more time for her physical therapy session. There was a very slim chance Glimmer and Bow weren’t in the room with her.

Catra texted first, making a separate group chat for herself, Bow and Glimmer. She wasn’t ready to start something with Adora, not yet. She needed more time to prepare herself.

**Catra:** hey, are you two with Adora rn?

…

Immediately, her phone started buzzing in her hands as a request for a facetime came in from Glimmer. The last thing Catra wanted after a night spent crying. Her eyes were still puffy and red, and the lack of sleep definitely showed. Still, she knew they were probably beyond worried, and wouldn’t be placated until they actually  _ saw _ that she was okay.

She answered, and Bow’s and Glimmer’s faces crowded the screen as they squished together to see her.

“Catra! Oh thank goodness, we were so worried! You weren’t answering our calls or texts and then your phone started sending us straight to voicemail--”

“Where the hell have you been?” Glimmer shouted, cutting Bow off.

The guilt twisted in her stomach, making her feel three times smaller. She sat at her desk, sighing heavily. “I’m sorry, really, I left the house and didn’t charge my phone - like a dumbass - so it’s been dead all this time. I crashed at Scorpia’s, back home now… how’s Adora?”

They exchanged a look, and Glimmer spoke again. “Not great… she’s doing that thing where she just… goes numb… blank face, monotone voice, one word responses.”

“Has she eaten? Drank water?”

“Water, yeah, but she turned down breakfast. She said she’d eat when she’s done at the hospital.”

“When’s the last time she ate?” Bow asked.

“Fuck,  _ I _ don’t even know that. She definitely didn’t eat dinner unless you guys made her eat something. She might’ve had some weird danish thing for breakfast yesterday but I honestly don’t know.”

“She didn’t want to eat… what about the days before yesterday?”

“I know for a fact she’s been skipping breakfast. Besides that I don’t know how much she’s been eating.”

If Catra had been around more, she would know. She could’ve planned her work better, could’ve arranged her studio time so she’d be around Adora more. If Catra were there, she could make sure Adora took care of herself properly. She could make some quick meals so Adora wouldn’t have to pick between detracting time from studying and preparing food. Catra should’ve been around. 

“I’m sorry,” Catra whispered, dropping her eyes from the screen. “It’s my fault she’s like this now. I should’ve taken better care of her.”

“Catra, it’s not your job to take care of her all hours of the day,” Glimmer assured her. “Adora’s an adult. She’s not bedridden, she’s perfectly capable of caring for herself. None of this is on you.”

She wasn’t convinced, not even close, but she’d relent for now in favor of something more important. “Still, I messed up yesterday, and now Adora’s even worse because of it. I need to do something, I need to fix this!”

Bow held up his hands with a nervous smile. “Hey, hey, you will, we know you will. But we should probably, you know, make a plan? Do you know what you’re going to say?”

There was the big question, and her answer was a straight  _ no _ , she didn’t know what she was going to say. She knew that several apologies were in order, but beyond that? Nothing. She hated not being able to form a solid plan for this. Normally she was good at improvising, but in this case she had no confidence whatsoever in her ability to bullshit on the fly. 

Catra shook her head, eyes drifting to the various items littering her desk. She dragged her sketchpad closer and flipped to a blank page, passing more than a few sketches of Adora along the way, and slammed a pen down on its surface. 

“I’m all ears if you guys have any ideas, ‘cause I’m at a loss here. What should we do? How do I fix this once she gets back?”

Bow and Glimmer shared a look, a sly little smile and nod that told Catra they were probably about to meddle.

“We have a few.”

_ Of course they do _ .

Catra rubbed a hand over her face, then picked up the pen again. “Alright, fire away.”

\-----

The plan was as follows:

Bow and Glimmer would take Adora to lunch after she finished with physical therapy. Their pick, their treat. They would, as Bow put it, “warm her up” for Catra’s conversation later in the evening. They would take a crack at getting Adora to understand that what she was doing wasn’t healthy, that it hurt everyone to watch her fall apart the way she was. They wanted her to understand that it hurt because they love her, because they care so much about her and her well being.

Their plan to keep her there and get her to eat a proper meal was based entirely on the fact that they were her ride, and she couldn’t get home without them. 

This was also their plan to get her to listen to their concerns, and have a proper heart to heart. 

Catra wasn’t sure how effective that would be in practice, but she really didn’t have any better ideas. Adora could try all she wanted to avoid talking, but those two always had a certain talent for breaking down walls. She’d cave eventually. It might take a while, but she would cave, as awful as that sounded. 

_ It’s for her own good _ , Catra thought.  _ We’re doing this for her.  _

Depending on how their own talk with Adora goes, Bow and Glimmer may or may not join Catra for her part. If the two of them couldn’t get through to her, maybe it would take all three together to get the job done.

She hoped it wouldn’t come to that. The last thing she wanted was for all three of them to gang up on her and pressure Adora into changing; that wasn’t the point. Catra’s goal was to get Adora to care about herself so she’d  _ want _ to make that lifestyle change, so she’d  _ choose _ to take care of herself as they all hoped she would. 

And more than anything, she wanted Adora to love herself.

Neither of them grew up knowing what that meant. They barely knew what it meant to love another person, let alone yourself. Love was a rarity in their foster home, more of a vague idea than a tangible thing that their childhood brains could comprehend. It wasn’t until much, much later that the word held any sort of meaning to them, and even then the possibility that they could apply it to themselves unselfishly never crossed their minds.

Now, they both had some hard lessons to learn, and unlearn, and Catra wanted to face it together. Keep each other accountable. Build each other up. To accomplish that, however, Catra needed to make sure Adora felt comfortable with her, and knew that she could trust her.

That’s where the next part of the plan came in…

\-----

She could hear their voices, muffled but jovial, approaching the door. Bow and Glimmer seemed to be dominating the conversation, as Catra expected they would, and she thought she heard something about a new movie they could all watch.

The door unlocked, and Catra stood ramrod straight in the middle of the living room, facing the front door. She really,  _ really  _ hoped this would work…

“I don’t know, guys, I mean, I still have that project and--”

Adora stopped, blue eyes bouncing around the room with equal parts bewilderment and wonder. All the blinds were shut, curtains pulled, leaving much of the apartment dark. The tall floor lamp in a corner of the living room had a thin, white sheet draped in front of it, pinned to the walls by precarious thumbtacks. The sheet made it so the normally bright, warm light cast by the lamp came out muted, leaving the living room comfortably dim.

Catra built an impressively large fort in the middle of the room, rearranging dining room chairs, a couple of painter’s easels from her room, and a carefully flipped coffee table, into supports for the many blankets that made up the fort’s “walls”. The wall facing the door was flapped open like a tent to expose the interior, a nest of cheap pillows and sherpa blankets, with one plush comforter as the base. As an added flare, she even strung up little fairy lights from an old project around the top of the interior, already lit and giving off a soft glow from within. Catra stood in front of the whole set up meekly, hugging herself, unable to look up as a blush tinged her cheeks.

“... hey, Adora.”

She heard a small, squeaky gasp, then an “aww”, and could only guess that Bow had just seen her creation. “This is  _ so _ cute!”

_ Swear to god if you two don’t-- _

“Looks like you two are busy so no movie night I guess.” Glimmer chimed, grinning from ear to ear. “We’ll leave you two alone, have fun!”

Glimmer shut the door before Adora could say anything, she and Bow’s squeals of joy fading as they left. Adora locked the door, staring at it blankly, before turning back to Catra. She eyed her warily, glanced back over her shoulder at the blanket fort, then settled on Catra’s eyes.

“So what’s all this?” She asked.

“I…” Catra swallowed, and cleared her throat. “I wanted to talk and… and apologize… for yesterday. But I wanted to do something, y’know, nice… for you… to make it up to you. For yesterday. Before I do that.”

_ Why does she make me go all stupid? _

Adora looked over the scene before her once, then shook her head. A weak smile graced her lips. “Okay.”

Catra perked up. “Wait, really? I thought-- I mean, no offense but I thought you’d protest more…”

“It’s just been that kinda day,” Adora sighed. “Gimme a minute, I need to change.”

She made her way to her room, looking a little too haggard for Catra’s liking. Catra leaned against the wall and fished out her phone, texting her little private chat.

**Catra:** how did the talk go for you guys???

**Sparkles:** you’ll see

**Catra:** THE F* DOES THAT MEAN

**Bow:** Everything will be fine, good luck!

**Catra:** YOU GUYS SUCK

**Bow:** super cute fort btw! : D

**Sparkles:** never took you for such a romantic, Catra ;)

**Bow:** seriously! That lighting was soooooo cozy. That lamp trick? *chef’s kiss*

**Bow:** a true artiste 

**Catra:** thanks but also F* OFF

Catra grumbled angrily, putting her phone away as she made her way into the kitchen. Part 2 of her plan for this comfy easing into the difficult conversation was to make hot chocolate, and now seemed like a good time to start it. Extra cocoa, a little cinnamon, marshmallows and whipped cream. Warm and toasty. Nostalgic.

Her whole reason for doing the fort in the first place was nostalgia, really. She recalled the times when they were kids when she and Adora would turn Sharon’s long dining room table into their own little hideout. Their own personal fortress of solitude, just for them, where they could be vulnerable in the safety of each other’s arms, away from their caretaker’s scrutinizing glare. Catra wanted to go back to that time, that space, that little bubble that was theirs and theirs alone. 

She liked to think the fort she made was an upgrade from that gaudy dining table. The hot cocoa was  _ definitely _ an upgrade from the watery chocolate milk Sharon would begrudgingly make whenever Adora begged hard enough.

Catra brought two steaming mugs into the living room and set them down on one of the side tables, waiting anxiously for Adora to come back in. Her eyes darted to a little nook in the fort where she kept a few miscellaneous items, including the pair of earbuds that would assist her in part 3 of her plan. 

She heard the fridge door open, a bag crinkle, then shut again, and the familiar  _ clack _ of Adora’s crutches on the kitchen tile. The blonde soon came into view, dressed in black sleep shorts and a thin grey hoodie. Catra, still in her black jeans and windbreaker, suddenly felt a little overdressed.

“I, uh, I’m gonna… gonna go change. Made some cocoa, so, um, get comfy or whatever.” She gestured to the fort with an awkward, too-wide grin, before letting her hand drop limply to her side. “Sorry, I’m just gonna… yeah.”

Catra backed away, pointing her thumbs toward her room, as Adora flashed her a wry smile. Once in the safety of her room, Catra dropped her head in her hands.

“Stop being so nervous, she’s not going to smite you!” She scrunched her nose. “When did I start saying  _ smite _ ? Who says smite?”

Catra rifled through her drawers for nothing in particular, settling on dark grey shorts and a tanktop of a lighter shade. “It’ll be fine. The others said it would be fine so it’ll probably be fine. Just… stay cool. Speak from the heart.”

_ And the long scripted word-dump you’ve been rehearsing in your head all day… easy. _

She shook the nerves out and left her room, finding Adora already huddled in the fort. There was a brace on her injured knee that Catra didn’t recognize, and the crutches were laid outside the blanket walls. The space within the fort was large enough that they could sit upright without issue, and lay down fully stretched. Width-wise, however, they’d be knees to knees or shoulder to shoulder depending on how they positioned themselves. She didn’t exactly have a lot of material to work with to make something spacier, so it had to be snug  _ somewhere _ .

Catra took the two piping hot mugs and crawled in, careful not to spill any as she hobbled forward on her knees, and handed one to Adora. She took it, but set it aside after a hesitant glance. Not a great sign.

Catra kept hers on her lap, if only to have something to ground herself to, cradling it in her hands as she studied her friend. Adora didn’t  _ seem _ angry. Still tired, still somewhat defeated, but her rage from the previous day was nonexistent. Catra expected her to have much more fight than this. Looking at her now though, there was something solemn in her gaze. Something about the way she held herself, small and reserved, closing herself in… it felt like when they were kids and Adora was being reprimanded. Just the barest hint of guilt rising to the surface… 

Maybe Bow and Glimmer got through to her?

“So?”

Catra blinked at her. “What?”

“You said you wanted to talk…”

_ Oh. Oh we’re doing this. Okay. _

“Yeah…” Catra’s thumb traced along the rim of her mug. She tried to remember her little script, the order of what she would say and when and how and--

Adora looked at her with so much sincerity, so much attentiveness, a vulnerability that brought Catra back to the hospital bed when this all started. Her whole plan for how this conversation was  _ supposed _ to go crumbled. And honestly? She didn’t care.

**_Speak from the heart._ **

**_Be open. Be honest._ **

**_Trust yourself._ **

_ … screw it. _

Catra set her mug aside and scooted forward, holding her hands out palms up for Adora to take. When she did, Catra gave a gentle squeeze. “Adora… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for letting my anger out on you yesterday. I’m sorry for yelling at you, hurting you, making you cry, making you--” she swallowed thickly, forcing herself to maintain eye contact. “I’m sorry… I-I’m sorry for making you feel like, like you’re a burden to me…”

“Adora, I’m so fucking sorry, I never,  _ never _ wanted you to feel like you’re a burden, that isn’t what I meant at all, I…” her eyes fell to her lap, to their hands, her own trembling as they gripped Adora’s. 

“... I know. I understand… what you meant before. I didn’t at first but I do now.”

Catra peered up at her. “You do?”

“Bow and Glimmer helped me get it.” Adora grimaced. “... does it really hurt you guys to see me like this?”

Catra studied her for a moment, considering how best to explain this. It seemed Adora was still doubtful, still unsure about  _ how _ it could possibly affect them that way.

**Be honest.**

“Do you remember when we first moved in here, freshman year, I had that big meltdown… I kept telling you I didn’t deserve you or your forgiveness. I told you I didn’t get to be happy, I didn’t get to  _ win _ or  _ succeed _ and you… you cried for me. It hurt you, hearing me talk like that, didn’t it?”

“... yes.”

“And if I told you I still think that way sometimes, would that hurt to hear?”

Adora shrunk, shoulders slumping as she nodded. “Of course it would.”

“So you get why we’d all be so upset over you neglecting your health. Because we - or I at least - know where it’s coming from. I know what you’re thinking when you do this, how… how  _ insignificant _ you think you are compared to everyone else around you. You think so little of yourself, you think you’re worth nothing if you can’t be some superhuman doing everything for everyone at once. And when you think you’re worth nothing, that’s how you treat yourself.”

“I didn’t think… I was trying to prioritize…”

“That’s fine, but you’re allowed to make yourself a priority too, Adora, and you  _ should _ .”

Catra adjusted their hands to lace their fingers together, bringing her face closer so they were forced to lock eyes. “You’re more important than a fucking grade. Your well being is more important than whatever other people supposedly ‘need’ from you. You’re worth more than that, you…”

Adora tightened her grip, and her bottom lip trembled. Catra could see her eyes starting to water. She had to hope that meant she was getting through to her. Just one more push… 

“You mean everything to me,” Catra whispered, voice cracking. “You’re my best friend, my most important person, and it kills me to see you hurt yourself like this… you deserve so much more, so much  _ better _ .” Her own vision was swimming, but she didn’t dare look away. Not yet. “And, and I know that’s hard for you to believe, but you  _ do _ deserve it. You deserve to be happy, and healthy, not… torturing yourself, not overworking yourself until you collapse! 

So please… please, love yourself a little more. Be a little selfish, think about  _ your _ wants. But do it for you, because  _ you _ want to be okay, not because we keep nagging you about it. Okay?”

Adora’s eyes flickered back and forth between Catra’s blue and gold. “Okay…” she murmured. “Okay, I… I’ll try.”

“Thank you. That’s all I ask. Just… please talk to us, or just talk to  _ someone _ whenever you’re feeling like this, alright? Your doctor, a school counselor, anyone you can confide in. You don’t have to do this alone, I won’t let you! I will be here for you, always, whatever you want, or need, I’m here.”

She nodded, and let out a shaky sigh. Adora picked up her mug and took a sip, coming away with whipped cream lining her upper lip, and a dollop on the tip of her nose. She scrunched her nose, peering down at the dot of white through narrowed eyes.

Catra giggled and reached over to the nook for a box of tissues. She’d anticipated a good amount of crying and prepared for such, but the tissues would do just as well for this kind of mess too. She held the box out for Adora with a grin.

“You got a little something there… and everywhere else.”

“Wow, thanks, I didn’t notice.” 

She cleaned up and the two of them sat in silence, sipping their drinks, occasionally exchanging nervous glances. Catra knew she had more she’d planned to say, but now her mind was drawing blanks. She’d prepared for more arguing, more pushback, but Adora was more… agreeable… than she’d expected. 

“Hey, Catra? Can I ask you something?” 

“Shoot.”

“Do you really still think that way about yourself? That you don’t deserve to be happy? That you don’t deserve… this?” Adora gestured between them with her hands, sweeping outward toward the rest of the apartment.

Another long drink. Catra’s mug was almost empty; soon she wouldn’t have a reason to  _ not _ talk about herself. 

“Sometimes, yeah…” She picked at a loose thread on the blanket beneath her, frowning. “It’s gotten better but the thoughts are still there, in the back of my head. I don’t think they’ll ever really go away, just… get quieter.”

“Catra…”

She chuckled bitterly. “We’re both pretty screwed up, aren’t we? We both think we don’t deserve this life we’ve made for ourselves.” Catra scowled. “That’s why it pisses me off that Sharon came here. It’s her fault that we’re like this.”

Adora was silent, staring into her lukewarm cocoa with a pensive look. She kept both hands cupped around the mug, thumb tapping against the side repeatedly as she mulled over Catra’s words. Catra could practically see the gears turning in her head. Any minute now she expected smoke to pour out of her ears. 

Catra glanced down at her own mug, finding it empty. “Hey, you want more cocoa? I’m in a real chocolatey mood today.”

Adora kept staring for a few more seconds before finishing hers as well in one big swig. “You know what, yeah, I do. Let’s make more.”

Back in the kitchen, pot on the stove, milk simmering and powder dumped into their mugs, they stood side by side leaned against the counter. Catra wasn’t sure where to go from here, what to say, what to do. Before Adora came home Catra thought she was overprepared. She felt prepared for every possibility, scripted the conversation from every angle she could think of. And then Adora gave her that  _ look _ that just made her head go stupid. 

Catra glanced at her from the corner of her eye as she poured the near boiling liquid into their mugs, and there it was again. The look. That gentle smile, the very slight crinkle of her eyes, the overall softness in her expression. The look that just made her heart fucking  _ melt _ .

“What?” 

“Hmm? Oh nothing, nothing.” Adora hobbled past her to the fridge, pulling out the whipped cream. “Just happy to be here.”

Catra plopped the marshmallows in, watching them melt across the top. “Whatever you say, dork.”

Catra took the can from Adora’s hands and started spraying, the sound so loud she almost didn’t catch her friend mumbling something under her breath. Adora fixated on a spot on the floor, contemplative, lips pressed in a firm line. It made Catra feel… nervous? Worried? Curious, more than anything.

She poked Adora’s forehead with a smirk. “Something going on in that big head of yours?”

“Yeah, actually… it’s… it’s been bugging me, for a while. Even before this…”

Catra cocked her head to the side, raising an eyebrow at her. She gave a sharp nod, urging her to continue, but Adora backed down. She picked her mug back up and shuffled her feet. “Can we, uh, can we go back to the fort, first?”

“Sure.”

They returned to the fort, and Catra took both mugs so Adora could lower herself in. Once inside and comfortably sat, Catra flopped over to reach for a switch on the fairy lights. They began to alternate colors, switching between warm yellows and oranges in a soft gradient and made the lighting shift in a wave around them. Before Catra could get back up, Adora joined her on the floor, laying on her stomach beside her. Catra shifted onto her side to face her, propping her head up on a bent elbow.

“Alright, spill. What’s on your mind?”

The question skewed Adora’s expression. Her face pinched in a guilty grimace as she dropped her gaze to the mug in her hands. “I’ll try my best if you will,” Adora said, and took a drink.

Something tugged at the back of Catra’s mind. That sounded familiar, but she couldn’t figure out how. She leaned forward a little, hoping Adora would continue or clarify what she was saying.

“What you said yesterday, what Bow and Glimmer have been talking to me about… and what Mara’s been advising me to do… I’ve had to do a lot of thinking.” She glanced at Catra from the corner of her eye, face calm and stoic. “Mara told me to be open, and honest, and… and  _ someone else _ told me the same thing… so… I need to be honest with you. And I’m hoping… if I’m going to be more open with you - and I’m really going to try my best to do that - then I’m hoping… you’ll do the same?”

Catra blinked. She was already determined to do so, it wouldn’t hurt to give Adora some verbal assurance, though. “I… uh, yeah, yeah, of course!”

She tried not to spiral, keeping her thoughts schooled and her attention focused on Adora. She watched every shift in her expression, every twitch of her brow, the quirk of her lips. Catra honed in on her muscles, her biceps, flexed at her sides as her arms held her up. Catra’s mouth dried, and she took a long sip of her cocoa to try to relieve it. The heat only made her face flush more.

“Everyone has made it a point to ask me what I want and, well, it’s taken me a long time to realize what that is, but, I finally know.”

“What, uh, what is it?” Catra stammered, voice low.

Adora turned her head to her, smiling softly, nothing but love and adoration in her eyes. “ _ You have no idea what you do to me, do you? _ ”

…  _ wait. _

“I was awake. At the hospital. I heard you, everything you said, word for word.”

Catra forgot how to breathe as her jaw dropped. 

_ She heard everything? _

**_She heard EVERYTHING._ **

“I-- A-Adora, I--”

She reached out to cup Catra’s cheek, and Catra could no longer distinguish between the heat of her hand and the heat in her own face. “Catra. You asked me what I want. And it’s… something I never thought I could have… something I didn’t think I deserved. I thought I’d have to fight for it,  _ earn _ it. But, well, now I’m thinking… maybe I don’t.”

Adora set her mug aside and pulled herself closer, letting the hand on Catra’s cheek move further back to thread through her hair. Foreheads pressed together, she whispered, “I love you too, Catra. I have for so, so long… longer than I can remember.”

And god. Fuck. It was all she’d wanted to hear since they were ten. Those words that felt too sacred for her ears, that admission that almost became taboo in her mind. Something unattainable, unreachable, now ricocheting in her head and turning her brain to mush. It wrapped her pounding heart in a soothing hug, calming her, setting every fear about this very moment at ease. She was so elated she could cry. 

But not yet.

Adora had more for her. “I wish I would have told you sooner… I should have. But I just… I didn’t think… I didn’t think I deserved it-- deserved  _ you _ , or your love, if you’d even give it to me.” She sighed. “Maybe I was just being stupid--”

“Me too!” Catra clapped a hand over her mouth, blushing fiercely. “I-I mean, I felt the same, about you. So you’re not stupid. I didn’t think I deserved you either… and, and when you moved, I… I thought that just confirmed it.” She scoffed and shook her head. “Sharon sure made it a point to tell me that you were always too good for me. That that’s why you left.”

“Oh, Catra...”

“It put me in a dark place. A  _ really _ dark place. I… I didn’t know what to do without you. How to live without you. You-- fuck, Adora, you were  _ everything _ to me!” She lurched forward, burying her face in Adora’s shoulder. “My one good thing… the only person who made me  _ hope _ , and  _ laugh _ , you-- you were my first, and only love, all this time… all, all that time I tried to push you away, I was still in love with you. And it  _ hurt _ , it hurt so much because I thought I could never have you I thought… I thought I missed my chance.”

Catra raised herself up, tipping Adora onto her back beneath her. She caged her in, hands either side of her head, knees blocking in her thighs. Her vision was swimming as she looked down at her, a thousand regrets dancing on her tongue. It took every bit of willpower she had not to let the emotional damn burst. She settled on just one thing, one regret to address.

“I tried so hard to get over you,” Catra whispered, voice broken with grief. “Turns out, I’m really bad at letting go.”

Catra surged forward and sealed her lips in a kiss, sweet and longing, trying with all her might to make up for lost time. A pair of arms draped over her shoulders, fingers tangling in her hair to pull her closer. Sharp tugs at her curls toppled with the feeling of Adora matching her efforts with just as much fervor left Catra breathless. She damned her lungs for not holding more air. The last thing she wanted to do was stop this kiss.

Alas, both girls needed to breathe, so with great reluctance Catra pulled away. The sight before her almost made the distance worth it. Adora lying beneath her with her ponytail loose, hair mussed and splayed out around her head. Her ocean eyes half lidded, pupils dilated, staring up at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. Face flushed, that beautiful pink shade creeping down beyond the neckline of her shirt. Lips parted and breathing heavily, smiling up at her like she’s drunk with joy.

“Wow.” Adora murmured.

Catra couldn’t help but snort at that. “Don’t ruin it.”

Another tug at her hair urged her forward, and Adora met her halfway as they kissed again, Catra’s head tilting to deepen it. She could taste the chocolate on her lips, with electric undertones that left her buzzing. The contented sigh beneath her sent a shiver down her spine, and she lowered herself to press their bodies together. Adora arched up into her, blunt nails scratching at her scalp.

There was still so much for them to talk about. So years of repressed emotions and toxic thoughts to unpack. Better behaviors to learn, little by little, and old habits to unlearn at the same time. But right there, flush against Adora in their own little world, Catra was just completely and unabashedly happy. She felt safe, validated,  _ seen _ . She felt loved. So unbelievably loved, and wanted.

And maybe that nagging voice would keep telling her she didn’t deserve this today, or ever. Maybe it would spend every day from now on sowing seeds of doubt. Doubt in her own ability to love, and be the good partner Adora deserves. Doubt in their compatibility. Maybe that voice would never stop.

But for now, wrapped in Adora’s arms, heart’s beating as one, Catra could tune it out. She could forget everything that wasn’t the electric current surging through her body at every touch. She could forget everything that wasn’t the taste of Adora’s lips, or the warmth of her skin. She could let herself believe that she deserved this happiness.

Catra could let herself feel loved.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even I couldn't take the yearning anymore, ugh! I just needed them to smooch already.
> 
> In all honestly though this isn't at all what I had planned. I was going to do the whole confession in a later chapter in a COMPLETELY different way BUT! It naturally turned into this and honestly? I'm chill with it.
> 
> That previous confession plan ain't gettin' scrapped though, not yet at least. It may make a comeback as a future date ;)
> 
> Thanks as always for reading, I love and appreciate all of you. Hope you enjoyed the chapter, and hopefully I'll have a quicker update next time!


	9. everything changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long gap between updates. Once again I had a hard time writing the new chapter. I wasn't entirely sure where I to start, where to go with it, what I wanted it to be. I think I'm happy with what I've got here but honestly? Not super proud.
> 
> School is starting up again so things are about to get busy. I'm really going to try to be more consistent with uploads, might shoot for Saturday for the next update. Here's hoping I'll be able to get it out!
> 
> As always, thanks to everyone for reading and supporting this story, it means so much to me that you've all enjoyed it so far. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well~

“Thanks for backing me up here, Scorpia.”

“Of course, I’ve always got your back! So, uh, what exactly are we doing again?”

Catra glanced out the window, eyes landing on a house across the street. It’s been years since she’d last been there, and to her surprise it’d been repainted in some sort of soft pink tone. There was no mistaking it though.

This was Sharon Weaver’s house.

She shuddered as her last memory of the place came to the forefront of her mind. Her “guardian” was wine drunk and especially nasty that night. Every word out of her mouth was venomous and burned to her very core. Catra’s blood was boiling all throughout the woman’s tirade about how she was a waste of time and space, how she was nothing but a nuisance, how she’d never amount to anything. In the dead of night Catra let that rage be her drive to finally leave.

She ran away with nothing more than what she could pack into a duffel bag, which honestly wasn’t much. It’s not like Sharon gave her much in terms of gifts or clothing. Catra did, however, have some personal items that she left behind. Things that, at the time, she was happy to leave without. Now, though, she wanted them back--  _ needed _ them back. She just hoped they were still tucked away in her secret stash, away from Sharon’s prying eyes. 

She was 16 when she ran away back then, old enough to hold down a job and old enough to be emancipated. It was a long and arduous process, but she won in the end. She was independent and free from that hell house on Mystic Lane. Well,  _ mostly _ independent. 

She barely had ten dollars to her name at the time. They’d given her a temporary space at a women’s shelter while she got her situation sorted, emphasis on the  _ temporary _ . When Catra eventually found herself on the street with nowhere to go, Scorpia gave her an out. They barely knew each other because of high school, and Catra couldn’t quite call her a friend back then, but she wouldn’t deny that Scorpia saved her. Her moms owned a gym with a little loft above it that they mostly used for storage, and after a very short conversation they both decided they were more than happy to let Catra stay there. Not for free though, despite their insistence. Catra helped clean around the gym and washed towels as a way to pay them back for the space.

And of course, working in that gym was also how she ultimately met Adora again.

Catra looked back at Scorpia in the passenger seat, so eager to help once more in a time of need. She was so grateful for all that she was, all that she represented. Selfless and endlessly compassionate. She truly was a great friend. Catra felt guilt weigh heavy in her stomach as she began to explain herself.

“So… you’re not gonna like this…”

\-----

Catra had let herself feel loved for all of one night. Then, once again, they drifted. It wasn’t anything odd or unexpected, and they knew it wouldn’t last long. The distance would only last through the beginning of Thanksgiving week while Adora prepped for her presentation, and Catra for an exam. They were both fine with it, because at any point they knew they could wander to wherever the other was for a quick hug or kiss. They didn’t have to dance around their feelings anymore, and instead embraced the new normal wholeheartedly.

It was Tuesday of Thanksgiving week, the last day before their short break. Adora’s presentation came and went, 15 minutes of overwhelming anxiety gone in the blink of an eye. She felt she did pretty well, all things considered. Her partners, ill prepared as always, struggled with their parts. She couldn’t bring herself to feel bad for them, though, she gave them ample time and help and they still slacked off. Late in the evening, Adora was lounging on the couch when the front door slammed, pulling her attention to a very disgruntled Catra.

“Son of a fuck can’t believe he had the audacity to tell me I can’t--”

She stomped into her room, voice tapering off with the distance. Adora put her notes down and looked towards Catra’s door, waiting for when she’d reemerge.  _ If _ she’d reemerge. Adora could still hear her talking to herself but couldn’t make out the words, heard muffled thumps and drawer slams. A long stretch of silence had her worried, and she stood to check on her. Catra left her room then, making a beeline to the restroom with towel in hand. There was a large dark stain on her shirt and pants with white and green dust stuck to it, and a deep scowl on her face.

“Catra, are you okay?” Adora asked, still standing in the living room.

“Just peachy, thanks!” Catra snapped. She paused in the doorway and took a breath. “Sorry. Just… give me a few minutes. I need a fucking shower.”

“Alright, yeah, I’ll be here.”

Catra nodded, and backed into the restroom. Her shower went for about forty minutes, and when she came out again her anger was still present, but tame. She wandered into the living room where Adora was staring intensely at her phone, mouthing the words to whatever she was reading. A smile bloomed on Catra’s face despite her bad mood as she watched Adora mouth the words to herself. It was something so small, but it was one of her favorite quirks of hers.

“Hey, Adora,” Catra huffed.

The blonde immediately set her phone aside, shuffling to sit up against the arm of the couch. She opened her arms to Catra, who readily dove to meet her embrace. Adora’s good leg hung over the side as her girlfriend nestled against her.

“Rough day?” Adora asked, rubbing her back.

“Understatement of the century.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Maybe…” Catra tilted her head up and pressed a kiss under Adora’s jaw. “Can we order food first, though? I’m starving!”

Adora squished her cheek against the top of her head. “Way ahead of you. I ordered some chinese while you were in the bathroom.”

“From the new place?”

“Mmhm. I know you’ve been wanting to try it for a while. You wanted that scallop thing, right?”

Catra snickered. “Hell yeah. I wanna feel like a fancy bitch.”

“You’re adorable,” Adora said, hugging her tighter. “I think it’s another… ten minutes before it gets delivered? Do you wanna wait til after we eat to talk?”

Warm breath wafted over her neck in a steady stream as Catra exhaled. Adora let the question hang for a moment while she mulled it over. In the meantime, she continued to take full advantage of their proximity. Adora rubbed slow, comforting circles into the small of her back, and pressed her lips to her temple in a patient kiss.

“I should probably just get it off my chest… I don’t want this hanging over my head while we’re eating. Plus, y’know, gotta work on opening up or whatever.”

Catra shuffled lower, pressing her ear against Adora’s chest. With another steadying breath, she began. “So a few things happened, the biggest one being a  _ very  _ unpleasant conversation with one of the advisors for the art department. Mind you, that happened after my exam so I was already tense as hell. He came around to check people’s progress for their finals, make sure they’ll be ready for the exhibition. I explained my whole concept, what was done already and what I needed to finish…”

“Fucker had the nerve to ask if I could handle all that work! Told me it was overambitious for my skill level, that I should dial it back if I want to finish in time. Told me I was too far behind and that he was worried the final product wouldn’t be on par with what’s expected for a public exhibition. It’ll reflect poorly on the school if it isn’t high quality. The guy’s always been a bastard but I didn’t think he’d ever say shit like that to my face,  _ in class, in front of everyone _ . I mean, hell, these advisors are supposed to motivate us, aren’t they? Be supportive and shit?”

“Ideally yes, they would be.”

“Yeah, exactly, and this guy is anything  _ but _ . He’s a nightmare to deal with. You know how many times I’ve seen people come out of his office shell shocked or crying their eyes out?” Catra felt Adora shrug, and she slapped a hand down on the couch as she shouted, “12 times! Just this semester! It’s ridiculous! There’s probably more that I  _ haven’t _ seen.”

“How has he not been fired yet if he’s so bad?”

“Because he’s got tenure and accolades and whatever other fuck all awards that make him untouchable. Students complain to the school about how he talks down to them and belittles them, but nothing ever happens. They don’t want to fire the snob because he used to be some big name in the art world.”

Catra hugged Adora tighter, letting a growl rumble in her throat. “You know what the worst part is?”

“What?”

There was a long pause. For a second Adora thought maybe she’d changed her mind, but then she felt wetness seeping through her shirt. Adora shifted to peer down at her, finding Catra wild eyed with tear stained. She tried to hide her face, though unsuccessfully.

“Hey, hey,” Adora cupped her cheek, turning her head so they could lock eyes. “Please don’t hide from me.”

Catra’s blinked rapidly, mismatched eyes flickering back and forth between Adora’s, before she finally relented. She pulled herself closer and let her eyes drift shut, pressing their foreheads together. “Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Catra, we’re working on it. I’m here for you.”

A slight nod, another pause.

“The worst part… the way he was talking to me, it just… he sounded so much like, like  _ her _ , like Sharon, talking down to me, tell-- telling me I’m not good enough. Telling me I’m an embarrassment. Making me feel so fucking  _ small _ and  _ untalented _ , like I’ve got nothing of value. It reminded me so much of when Sharon would pull me away from you just to insult me. Of all the times she tried to break me down after you left. It was, uh, it… it triggered something, I think, so once he was done talking to me I just… I blacked out. I couldn’t think anymore, I didn’t know what I was doing. He left and I just lost it, tore up a good fourth of my project then tried to leave. Oh but,  _ but _ , on my way out I’m not paying attention, my vision’s tunneled, everything’s a blur around me, so I walk right into someone carrying a bowl of liquid starch and it spills all over me.”

“Oh, shit…”

“I tried to wipe some of it off before I left class but I just got a bunch of foam shavings and sawdust on me. Hence the need for a shower. So, y’know, besides looking like I was about to murder someone I also had that to deal with.”

Adora’s face pinched. “Please tell me that’s where it ends.”

“I clipped a curb trying to park so I also dented my bumper a little. Honestly the least of my worries…  _ now _ that’s where it ends.” Catra sniffled. “Fuck… he made me feel so hopeless, Adora. Why do I even try?”

Adora’s mind was already in overdrive thinking of ways to fix the situation. Offer help on her project, confront the asshole who made her feel this way, report him to the school… but the more she stewed over her options, the more she realized that none of it was wanted. It wouldn’t help in the way Catra needed. Adora was learning, little by little, when her intervention was really needed and when it wasn’t. This wasn’t a situation where she needed to step in.

If she knew Catra as well as she thought she did - and, not to toot her own horn, but she felt she knew her  _ pretty _ well - she’d want to prove the advisor wrong with her own skill and work. She’d want to prove that she was more than capable, more than what he thought of her. So what else could Adora do but reaffirm what they both knew to be true?

“You try because you love it,” Adora began, fingers brushing her bangs away from her forehead. “Because you know you’re talented, because you know you’re skilled. You’re a great artist, Catra, so full of passion and heart.”

Adora held her face in both hands, gently rubbing her cheeks with her thumbs. Their eyes stayed locked, though Catra struggled to hold it as those baby blues bore into her. 

“You’ve got a beautiful, creative mind that anyone would kill to have, and the ambition to match. You know what I think?” Catra quirked a brow at her. “I think the old snob is jealous of that.”

To her delight, Catra snorted, dropping her head to Adora’s chest as giggles overtook her.

“What, I’m serious!” Adora couldn’t help her own quick chuckle. “I mean, what, the guy goes from some hot shot artist to  _ just _ an advisor at some college? He must  _ suck _ . Bet he’d love to be where you are now, so young and only just beginning your career. You’re on your way up and he’s practically got one foot in the grave.”

Catra’s giggles tapered off as she glanced back up. “You really think so?”

“I know so. And I know you’re going to prove everyone wrong with this project of yours. That advisor, Sharon, anyone who’s ever doubted you. You’re gonna blow them all away at the exhibition. I believe in you, Catra.”

A small tremor ran through Catra’s body. Fresh tears gathered as she dropped her gaze, but Adora wasn’t worried in the slightest. Catra was grinning, genuinely grinning.

“Quite the sweet talker aren’t you?” Catra said, voice shaky. “ _ Fuck _ , Adora, you really need to stop making me  _ feel things _ .”

“Sorry, not gonna happen. I love you too much.”

She rose up and kissed her sweetly, a smile on her lips. “Love you too, dummy. And thanks… for believing in me.”

Grinning, Adora leaned forward and kissed her again. “Always.”

\-----

That was the previous night, and that was how Catra found herself on Mystic Lane with Scorpia on a grey Wednesday morning.

“So all that shit with the advisor got me thinking, I want to do something different with my sculpture. But to do the thing that I want to do, I need some things that I left at Sharon’s house when I ran away. I didn’t care about them before but now…” Catra sighed. “They’re really important to me.”

“Gosh, I can’t believe that guy! Well don’t you worry, I totally understand. I’m here for you one hundred percent. So what are we doing, did you want me to go knock, or maybe we should call first--”

“Oh no, no, absolutely not. She isn’t home, her car isn’t parked out front. I’m, uh, I’m gonna break in…”

“ _ Oh _ .”

“You don’t need to do anything!” Catra raised her hands, palms facing Scorpia. “I don’t want to get you in trouble. I just need you to keep an eye out on the street in case she comes back. I’ll do all the sneaking around, just quick in and out.”

“I don’t know, this seems like a  _ really _ bad idea…”

“I mean, yeah, it probably is, but still… the last thing I want right now is to see that  _ witch _ . I’ve still got a key for her back door so as long as she hasn’t changed any locks, it should be fine.”

“It’s still breaking and entering,” Scorpia squeaked. “Does Adora know you’re doing this?”

Catra’s eyes went wide. She stared at Scorpia a moment, floundering for a response, but she had nothing. Catra slouched in her seat and crossed her arms, looking out the window.

“ _ Catra _ .”

“I couldn’t tell her,” she grumbled.

“I thought you were gonna be more honest with her.”

“I am!” Catra snapped. “I, I’m trying… but this is  _ for her _ , this whole thing is a surprise for Adora. She doesn’t know what I’m planning for the sculpture, or how much of an inspiration she’s been for it. For my whole concept, my progress, to be downright insulted by that stingy old fucker, I just… it’s an insult to my muse… to Adora. I want to prove him wrong for both of us. This is for her as much as it is for me. I need to do this, Scorpia. I understand if you don’t want any part in it, I can take you back home so you’re not involved--”

Scorpia placed a hand on her shoulder, giving a firm squeeze. “Hey, I’m with you Catra. No way I’m letting you face this alone.”

“Thanks… thank you. Seriously. I really appreciate you being here.”

Scorpia nodded, giving her signature smile, but in a blink it was gone again. She looked at the house with a furrowed brow, squinting as if trying to search for something. With her free hand she pointed out the window, redirecting Catra’s attention. “Uuh, hey Wildcat, is that Sharon?”

Catra looked across the street. It wasn’t.

But this face was far more welcome.

She hopped out the car, crossing in a few strides to catch the woman at Sharon’s doorstep. “Ms. Park!”

Ms. Diana Park, Sharon’s landlord, a good ten years or so younger than Catra’s former guardian. She wasn’t around much, but the few times she did come around to check on the house she always had something nice for the girls. She was more motherly than Sharon ever was.

The woman whipped around, narrowed her eyes, then grinned. “Little Catra Applesauce Meowmeow! Oh, look at you, such a gorgeous young woman now!”

“Ugh, I’m never gonna live that name down, am I?” Catra rolled her eyes, closing the distance to give her a hug. “How are you, Ms. Park?”

“I’m lovely, thanks. Always keeping busy. And how are you, dear? I hope everything’s been better since you got out of here…”

“ _ Much _ better. Got into BMU for one, and Adora and I are back together too.”

Park clapped her hands together, grinning from ear to ear. “Oh how wonderful! Good for you, good for you both. I always thought you were better together. How is she doing by the way? Last I heard she was some hot shot basketball player with the Rebels.”

“She’s… okay.” Catra rubbed the back of her neck, shoving her other hand in her pocket. “She made team captain but she’s out for the season because of an injury. Nothing she can’t recover from. Other than that though she’s been doing really well!”

“Tsk, what a shame, I would have liked to see her play… glad you two are alright though, you were always such sweet kids. Didn’t think I’d ever see you back here though. What brings you here?”

“Just… needed some things. I didn’t get to take everything when I left before, I remembered some uh… personal stuff… that I want back.”

The woman’s face fell. “Oh… oh right, I guess you wouldn’t know.”

She turned away almost guiltily and unlocked the door, ushering Catra inside. The house was barren, and coated in a fine layer of dust.

Catra took a few steps inside, staring at the blank walls and empty floors. A thousand memories played out before her, highlighting every missing piece of what once was. The wine stain on the living room carpet, once hidden under a carefully placed armchair, from when she broke into Sharon’s stash. Imprints on the walls from old photo frames in a steady line down the hall. Scuff marks on the dining room floor from all the times she and Adora scuttled around beneath the chairs. 

Everything was gone.

“Sharon was evicted about a week ago.”

_ A week? _

Sharon was at their apartment about a week ago. 

“... why?”

“Few too many DUI’s, neighbor complaints, late rent payments… she and I butt heads quite a bit after you left. Finally decided I was done dealing with her.”

Catra wasn’t sure how to feel about the empty home, or about the fact that Sharon was basically homeless when she came to their apartment. The angry part of her wanted to laugh, wanted to jump for joy at the taste of karma she’d gotten. But something about this new information left a bitter taste in her mouth. She almost… pitied her? But why would she? The woman got what she deserved. Catra didn’t have to care whether she’d found a new place to stay or not. She didn’t have to worry about her.

“I’m sorry dear, anything she didn’t take with her got dumped already… whatever you’re looking for is probably long gone.”

She shook her head a little, turning back to Ms. Park with a dazed look. “What? Oh, no, it’s fine, I had a little hiding place… um, mind if I look?”

“Go ahead. I came to inspect the house anyways, see what needs fixin’.”

Catra nodded. Before venturing further into the house, however, she peeked out the front door to her car. Scorpia had moved to the driver’s seat and was fidgeting anxiously as she stared back. With a wave of the hand Catra called her over, and the larger woman was at her side in a heartbeat. They gave quick introductions, and together the three marched down the hall. 

“Man, so this was your old house huh?” Scorpia asked, voice hushed as if the topic was somehow forbidden.

“Yup, this is it. It looks a lot better than what I described, doesn’t it? I think it was all her weird dark furniture that made the place so creepy.”

“I expected the walls to be a lot more… gritty. Not, y’know, salmon pink.”

“Honestly, I think she was just too lazy to repaint.”

They peeked into the kitchen on their way past. Catra zeroed in on a broken corner of the counter, smirking. She pointed to the spot with a flippant look. “That’s where I cracked my head open when I was ten. I think Adora cried harder than I did.”

She kind of liked that memory if she were being honest. They had a sudsy water war while doing the dishes and Catra slipped, bashed her head on the counter and chipped a part of it off. Adora was babbling and bawling nonstop, even all the way to the hospital. She refused to let go of Catra’s hand until a nurse quite literally pried them apart. Having to get stitches sucked, but getting extra cuddles from Adora in the weeks that followed was a nice perk. Even Sharon didn’t say anything about it while she was recovering. 

Scorpia, though, looked horrified. “Wait, you cracked your head open?!”

“Oh… did I not tell you that? Shit.” 

“ _ Catra! _ ”

“Sorry?”

They continued on, ignoring the other small signs of childhood injuries. She entered the bedroom at the end of the hall, immediately hit with a wave of nostalgia. It still  _ smelled _ the same. She could still see the dent on the wall where Adora hit her head playing knights, the glowy stars stuck to the ceiling that they traced night after night, the broken blinds that Catra pulled when she made her escape. 

Her feet felt like lead as she stepped into their old room. At the center of the room she spun in place, simply taking it all in. So many memories, not all pleasant, but ones she was grateful for nonetheless. It was odd to see all the furniture was gone.

“You said you had a hiding place?” Ms. Park asked from the doorway.

Catra blinked at her, forgetting she had company. “Uh, right…” 

She made her way to the closet, sliding the glass door open. The floor was wooden, and in the closet there was a long strip that jutted up by just a hair. You wouldn’t notice if you weren’t looking for it. 

Catra pried the wood up, revealing her untouched hiding place. There was a shoe box inside, beat up and a little dusty, but still intact. Old, stale granola bars sat in a small pile beside it, her private food stash for nights when Catra was denied dinner. She pulled out the box, flipping the lid open just to be sure everything was still there. A miscellaneous pile of papers, a couple of pens and pencils, and a postcard like a neat little bow on top. 

_ Hello from the Whispering Woods! _

_ (Back) I miss you _

_ \- Adora _

This was it. 

This was what she needed. 

_ Adora’s gonna fucking love this _ .

“That what you’re looking for?” Scorpia asked.

“It is.” Catra replaced the wood, smiling sheepishly at Ms. Park. “Sorry about this, by the way. I can pay for repairs if you want.”

She waved a hand and shook her head. “Nonsense, I understand why you did it. If anyone’s paying for this it’s gonna be Sharon-- well, if I can find her, anyways.”

Catra perked up at that. “If you can find her?”

“Yep. Haven’t been able to get a hold of her since I kicked her out. I have no idea where she is now.”

She wasn’t worried. She didn’t need to be, not about someone like Sharon Fucking Weaver, not after all she’s done. She didn’t deserve it. So why did her chest ache so much? Why did her eyes sting? 

Catra stood up, cradling the box to her chest. None of that mattered now. Not the empty house and all its long gone memories, not her missing mother figure, nothing. She had what she needed right here, and the love of her life waiting back home. She didn’t need to linger in this place.

“Well, whatever. I’ve got what I need now, no thanks to her… thanks for letting me in, Ms. Park. I think we’re gonna get out of here now.”

“Sure sure, yeah, no problem! I’ll walk you out!”

If you could imagine walking through layers of spider webs, that was how Catra felt as they made their way to the front. With every step forward it felt as though she were being pulled back, weighted down, like the house itself was trying to keep her there. It was that same feeling she got every time she thought of running away as a kid and didn’t. That heaviness that anchored her to these four walls. She hated this house, but it was the only home she’d ever known. No matter how awful it’d been, it was hard to leave it behind. And now that she was back that sensation only returned in full force.

Part of her wished they could go back and be kids again, running down this hall, on their way out to play on the street. She pulled the front door open but stopped there, gripping the doorknob like a vice. Catra remembered standing at this threshold, Sharon’s hand clawing into her shoulder as they both watched Adora leave with Mara. She remembered feeling caged in, like a barrier blocked her away from the rest of the world.

“Catra?”

A hand came to rest on her shoulder, in the same place where Sharon’s once found purchase, but this time around it was impossibly gentle.

Catra didn’t look, but it did bring a smile to her face. There was nothing holding her back, not anymore. She’s grown beyond this place. She could cross the threshold with her head held high, feeling light and spry. Feeling free, and knowing that she never had to look back.

Everything was changing for the better.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catra maaaaay have gotten into some petty crimes as a teen <_<  
> But it's fiiiiine, no harm done!  
> She never broke into any houses to steal or anything. She might have broken into her OWN house a couple times, but is that really a crime? I say nay!   
> She's probably broken someone's nose though. So, y'know, a little harm done...
> 
> SO ANYWAYS would anyone be interested in seeing how their gym reunion went? Catra all flustered over a buff, sweaty Adora, angsty over how they got separated but also still head over heels in love with her? 👀  
> I probably wouldn't do it here in this thread but if enough people are into the idea I could do a little side story of how that all played out. Let me know what y'all think!
> 
> Thanks again for reading and supporting my au, I appreciate each and every one of you!


	10. when I need some help from you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't apologize enough for the long delay on this chapter. Inspiration took a hard nose dive and it's left me stumped ever since the last update. I've tried and tried to rewrite it and just couldn't get to a point where I was happy with it. And I'm honestly still not super happy with this one.
> 
> Ugh, this was supposed to be one of the big ones too...
> 
> I wish I could spend more time on this and really get it to that level that I wanted, but with school draining all my time and motivation I just had to crank it out. This fic probably won't continue much longer with the rate I'm going at now, you can expect a few more chapters though! Next one will definitely be more fluffy. I need to give myself a break from all this angst, lol.
> 
> AAAAAAND IN OTHER NEWS! This fic may be ending soon but, ask and ye shall receive, the Catradora gym reunion is currently in progress!! The first chapter is being uploaded along with this one (separately, of course) and I'll be working on it as much as I'm able. Will be a multi chapter fic as well. 
> 
> Look out for "I Never Stopped Feeling Guilty"
> 
> Apologies again for the long delay, but I hope you all enjoy this hot mess anyways, and I hope the double upload (of sorts) makes up for the wait, for those of you who are interested in the other fic.  
> >.<;

Catra seemed… off. Dodgy. It wasn’t entirely odd for her to be a little different during Thanksgiving, the holiday always sparked troubling emotions in her. This time around though, things had started out just fine. The change came suddenly, without warning, like someone flipped the wrong switch and forgot to set it back. 

They’d driven up to Mara’s that morning, Catra at the wheel and Adora right beside her, and everything seemed fine. They were cracking jokes, chatting it up, blasting music down the highway from one of Catra’s many playlists. They were enjoying themselves, enjoying each other’s company, having fun. Everything was great! Their first Thanksgiving as a couple started off well.

Things were fine when they got to Mara’s as well. Adora was used to small shifts in Catra’s behavior whenever they were at Mara’s house to visit, but this time around she seemed much more chipper about the whole thing. More open. She knew Catra felt like an outsider among the family. She had a hard time letting herself be welcomed into the household, and letting herself be loved. Perhaps now she was finally overcoming those thoughts.

At least, that’s what Adora thought before dinner. That’s when the change happened.

Everyone went around and listed something they were thankful for, starting with Razz, then Mara, Adora, and finally Catra. This was nothing new for them; they’d done this in previous years. But Mara’s speech this time around made Catra go rigid, and it seemed like Adora’s only worsened whatever feelings it had stirred up. 

Their dinner carried on without issue, and the conversation from then on grew much more upbeat, but Adora could tell Catra wasn’t all there, not as much as she was that morning. It was disheartening to see her energy diminish so quickly. All she could wonder was how and where things went wrong in that short span of time. 

\-----

“Hey, Catra?”

“Mm?”

“Are you feeling okay?”

Catra shifted on the bed, rolling onto her stomach. She propped her head up on her hand and glanced up at Adora, who sat against the headboard. She eyed her for a moment, studying the curiosity and concern in her expression, then shrugged. 

“Yeah, as okay as I can be. Why?”

Adora bunched her lips to the side, glancing away. “Well, it’s just, after dinner you seemed… you know, more… distant? You were so energetic and outgoing when we got here and then you stopped talking and I just, I’m worried maybe… did we say something wrong?”

Again, Catra stared at her, unblinking and silent. 

“I’m okay, Adora, don’t worry about me.”

_ She didn’t say no _ , Adora thought.

She wanted to keep prodding, figure out why she was closing herself off, but she feared she’d only make things worse. For the moment, she’d leave it there and hope that, with time, Catra would open up to her. 

“I’m gonna go get an extra blanket,” she said, sliding off the bed.

“OH. Get one of those really cushy ones that Razz always buys. Those are the  _ best _ .”

“Two fuzzy throws, coming up!”

With a small smile, Adora wandered out of her old bedroom, down the hall to the storage closet. It was a mess of plastic bins and cardboard boxes, some clearly labeled and others with messy chicken scratch written and rewritten in the open space around crossed out words. More boxes had definitely been added since she was last there. 

On the closet floor there was a narrow gap that just barely allowed her to inch her way inside, though she didn’t get very far at all. Adora started scanning from the top down, looking for any loose blankets that might’ve been out in the open so she wouldn’t have to sort through boxes. It was hard to reach for anything, especially with the wonky knee. The injury, coupled with the narrow footing, brought her close to falling over multiple times, and on one stumble nearly brought a box down on her head. Instead it tumbled out of the closet, spilling its contents into the hall. A number of cake tins and cookie cutters rattled along with a metallic roar, drawing a soft chuckle from Mara. 

“I doubt you’re looking for baking supplies right now,” she grinned, picking up a star shaped cutter. “Need some help in there?”

Shrugging in defeat, Adora stepped out and nodded. “Yes, please. Catra wanted one of those soft throws that you guys always have. And, I wanted one too, actually.”

“Got it. Two blankets coming up!”

Adora knelt down to clean up the baking supplies while Mara got the blankets. Down the hall, Catra peeked her head out to see what the commotion was, and shot Adora a questioning look. She shot back a thumbs up and a not-so-reassuring smile. When Catra slipped back into the room, Adora let go of a sigh and finished cleaning up. Since she still couldn’t do much heavy lifting, she simply slid the box closer to the closet so Mara could put it back up herself. 

Adora stared down at the floor as she chewed her bottom lip, deep in thought. Still caught up in figuring out what was wrong with Catra and what she could do to make it better. It was hard to come with solutions without an idea about the problem, though. 

The world went dark. Adora was vaguely aware that something had been thrown over her head, something so snuggly soft it made her want to curl up right there in the hallway. 

“There’s one. That what you’re looking for?” Mara asked, a playful lilt in her voice.

Adora pulled it off to study it. One side was covered in stark white sherpa, puppy soft in her hands, while the other was a smooth, fuzzy purple. She hugged it to her chest, smiling at the clean lavender scent that wafted off of it. “It’s perfect, yeah!”

“Good. I’ll wrestle another one out of here for you.”

Mara turned back to the bin she was sorting through, grumbling as she tugged a thick comforter out. “Stars, we have too many of these… do you girls need any more blankets at your place? We really need to start getting rid of some. This isn’t the only box we have of these.”

Adora peeked in, eyeing the dense bundle of bedding with a quirked brow. Seeing a number of mismatched blankets pulled out and spread over top the other boxes brought Adora back to the confession, to their night in the blanket fort Catra so lovingly made for them. Back to their first kiss and a night spent cuddling together under the soft lantern light. 

She wanted to do something for Catra. Something to thank her for that night, something to 

“Uh, I think we’re good on blankets… hey, Mara?”

“What’s up?”

“You noticed Catra was… off… right? During dinner?”

Mara froze. She glanced over her shoulder towards Adora’s room, staring at the door for a moment, then turned back to her. “I didn’t want to say anything but yeah, I did. Is she okay?”

“I don’t know… I mean, she said she was fine when I asked but I really don’t think she is. I have no idea what’s bothering her though.”

The older woman tapped her chin for a moment as she looked down the hall. “... well, there’s not much we can do if she doesn’t want to talk about it. Last thing I’d want is to make her uncomfortable by prying.” Mara reached into the box and pulled out a blanket similar to the one in Adora’s hands, but in a cool grey tone. “Give her some time, if she wants our help she’ll reach out when she’s comfortable.”

“... and if she doesn’t?”

“Then we’ll just have to work with what we’ve got.” Mara handed her the blanket. “Let her know we’re all here for her if or whenever she’s ready. And in the meantime, give her a good weekend while we wait.”

Adora nodded, smiling at the blankets in her hands. She peered into the closet as Mara hefted the box of baking tools, stacking them back up where they’d been before. Adora’s eyes settled on the copious number of blankets, as well as a coil of white christmas lights that were pulled from another box.

_ Huh…  _

“Hey, did we have any plans for tomorrow?”

Mara glanced up at the ceiling and counted off on her fingers. “Eat, watch some movies, maybe a quick hike? I think Razz wanted to go to the gem shop down the way? It’s pretty loose. Why, you got an idea?”

“Maybe. I’ve been wanting to do something for Catra and I think I might know what… and I maaaay need all those blankets for it.”

“Sure thing, starshine. So, you gonna clue me in on this plan of yours?”

Adora grinned.  _ This is going to be perfect. _

\-----

The next day went about as Mara said - minus the hike - concluding with an early dinner. Catra still seemed a little closed off, but more welcoming to everything that transpired in the day. She was smiling more, and more earnestly at that, by the time dinner rolled around, and for that alone Adora was grateful. But the blonde had a larger evening planned for the two of them, one that she hoped Catra would truly enjoy. Earlier in the morning she’d managed to sneak away to work on it while Razz pulled Catra into the kitchen. Two parts of her plan were prepared, though one would be a little harder to hide.

With dinner done, Razz settled into her recliner to knit while Mara settled down on the couch. Adora and Mara shared a look, and the older woman winked at her.

_ Show time. _

“Catra!” Adora draped herself over her shoulders, making the shorter girl slouch beneath her. “I think I feel like taking a drive. Wanna go somewhere?”

“We  _ just _ went out a few hours ago, you can’t be that stir crazy.”

“Yeah, but this time it’ll just be the two of us! There are still some cool places around here you haven’t seen yet.” Adora got off her back and clasped her hands in front of her, giving her best puppy dog eyes. “Pleeeaaase?”

Catra eyed her with a deadpan look, then sighed. “Alright, let’s go explore or whatever. Where are we going?”

“Oh! It’s a surprise! But, uh, you should dress warmly.”

She looked skeptical, but went along with it anyways. The girls changed from their houseware into something more suited for the outdoors. Catra changed into a thicker pair of black leggings and a baggie grey hoodie, with a black leather jacket layered over top. She also slipped on a dark grey beanie, bangs peeking out wildly from beneath. Adora, on the other hand, had her usual white long sleeve beneath a blue flannel, with a dark grey denim jacket over top. She decided to keep her black joggers on, favoring the loose legs over anything else for her wrapped knee.

Before they left the house, Adora stopped Catra at the door with a bandana in hand. “Sooo remember how I said this was a surprise?”

Catra eyed the bandana and snickered. “Blindfold, huh? I never thought you’d get so kinky so soon, Adora. And in front of your mother and grandmother no less!”

Her face flushed a deep red as she sputtered for a response. “Wha, I, n-no! I just-- I -- I didn’t mean, I--”

The laugh that left Catra’s lips was everything Adora wanted right then, hearty and squeaky and  _ vibrant _ . It made Adora’s embarrassment worth it. “I’m just messing with you, dork,” Catra giggled, tilting her chin up. “Go ahead,  _ tie me up, Adora~ _ ”

She was glad Catra’s eyes were shut, or she’d see just how flustered her tone made her. Her voice had taken on a certain seductive note that made Adora’s heart flutter, and left her breathless. She shook the fog from her head and stepped closer to tie the cloth around her eyes. Their proximity normally wouldn’t have been a problem, but after what Catra said Adora was hyper aware of how close their faces were, of the warm breath fanning over her neck and the goosebumps it raised over her skin.

She caught the barest smirk on Catra’s lips before her girlfriend surged forward to steal a kiss. Catra clicked her tongue in annoyance however when she missed her mark by just a hair, kissing the corner of her lips. Adora giggled and placated her with a kiss of her own, exactly where it was wanted.

With the blindfold secured, Adora turned back to the living room and flashed Mara a thumbs up. “We’re heading out now! 

“Alright, be safe out there you two.”

“Watch out for the roots, dearie!” Razz added.

“Roots?” Catra questioned.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s get going before it gets too dark.”

Adora led them out and to her truck, arm hooked with Catra’s to guide her along the path. After getting her situated, and checking to make sure a crucial part of her plan was still nestled in her truck bed, she hopped in and headed towards town. First things first: fresh, hot cookies from the local bakery.

It became clear rather quickly that Catra wanted the blindfold off. When they stopped at the bakery she reached to take it off almost immediately, stopped only by Adora’s hand on her wrist. 

“Not yet! I’ll let you know when you can take it off.”

“What? I thought we stopped already?”

“Yeah, but this isn’t the final destination, we’re not staying here for long. Just need to pick something up.” Adora moved to leave the truck, but stopped short. “ _ Don’t _ take off the blindfold while I’m out.”

“Fine, fine, just hurry back. I don’t want people to get all weird about me sitting like this.”

That… was a fair point. It was a little suspicious to have her blindfolded like that… 

“I’ll be fast, promise!”

Adora had ordered ahead, so it really was as simple as popping in and picking up the box. She saw Catra’s nose twitch when she returned to the car, and a small smile play on her lips.

“Adoraaa?”

“Be patient.”

“Ugh, come on! You can’t get cookies and expect me  _ not _ to stuff my face, this is the really good place!”

“ _ Patience. _ ”

“Hmph, fine.” Catra folded her arms and turned her head toward the window. “I call first dibs though.”

“I think I can live with that.”

Adora stashed the baked goods in an insulated bag to keep them warm, and started driving once again. They were on their way out of town, onto the highway and further north to the Whispering Woods, a state park and campsite that Adora frequented from the moment she could drive herself. It took an hour, less on a good day, to get to the park from Mara’s place. In all the times Catra’s visited she’d only ever been once, and even then they didn’t do a lot of exploring. Adora never got a chance to show her any of her favorite spots.

There was a clearing people used to camp out in the warmer months, but people tended to steer clear of it in the winter. Adora loved the view you’d get of the stars at night, the gentle breeze that carried scents of earth and pine, and when she timed her visits just right, the solitude. It was nice to just get away from the world sometimes. Be alone and think. 

Of course, the drawback with this was that Adora tended to overthink, and too often at that. Whenever she came out to the Whispering Woods alone, and got too lost in her head, she’d always find herself thinking of Catra. How much she wanted Catra there with her. How she wished they’d never been separated. Adora would long to hold her friend in her arms, trace shapes in the stars and talk about all the things they’d do when they were free.

Well, now they were, and Adora wanted to make this little dream of her 16-year-old self come true. With some added flair, obviously.

Catra started to look uneasy as the smooth asphalt gave way to rough, unpaved paths carved through the forest. The truck rocked and rumbled, and after hitting the fifth big bump within the span of two minutes Catra flailed her arm to the side to grasp for Adora.

“Where.  _ The fuck. _ Are we?”

Adora took her hand, bringing it up to her lips to kiss her knuckles. She then settled it on her lap, keeping a firm grip on her. “Don’t worry, this path always gets pretty bumpy. It’ll smooth out soon, I promise.”

“ _ That doesn’t answer my question, Adora _ ,” she hissed.

“Well then it’d ruin the surprise, wouldn’t it?”

“You’ve got me blindfolded and out in god knows where on a shitty road, maintaining the element of surprise is the least of my worries!”

“Oh relax, it’s completely safe! We only get two axe murders a year out here.”

“ADORA!”

She giggled, giving Catra’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “You trust me, right?”

“Of course I do…”

“Then trust me when I say that nothing bad is going to happen. This will all be worth it once we get to-- oh, we’re here! Oh but keep the blindfold on, I still need to do something.”

“Ergh… okay.”

Adora pulled the truck up to the center of the clearing. There were a couple of old wooden picnic tables scattered around the rough circle, leaving ample space for several campsites to be set up. Luckily for them though, no one else was there. The sun was just starting to set, painting the sky in a gradient of purples, oranges and pinks. It was cool and cloudless, tiny stars pin pricking the quickly darkening sky.

She parked the truck, but left it running so she could set up the truck bed. Adora leaned over and planted a kiss on Catra’s cheek, chuckling a little when she jumped at the contact. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Can I take this thing off yet?” Catra asked, thumbing the bandana.

“Soon. I just need to do one more thing.”

Adora left the truck to set up the last part of her surprise in the truck bed, though it took a little longer than she planned because of her knee, then rounded the other side to get Catra. She led her to the back, practically bouncing with all her excitement. Adora stood behind her as she stopped her in front of the truck bed, grinning from ear to ear. 

“You ready?”

“Ugh, yes, finally! Get this thing off me already.”

Catra feigned annoyance, but it was clear she was excited for the mystery as well. Adora undid the knot and lowered the bandana, tucking it away in her pocket as she studied Catra’s reaction. Eyes glittered like twin gemstones as they caught the light, and she let go of a tiny gasp at the sight of what Adora set up. 

The truck bed was covered with a couple dozen blankets, with some of the thicker comforters rolled along the walls to make a cozy little nest for the two of them. At the far end of the truck bed, beneath the back window, white string lights flowed out of the metal storage box and around the walls to bathe the space in a gentle glow. There were also a few pillows stacked near the box for them to lounge against, and the box of cookies sat there just waiting to be eaten. A few of Catra’s favorite throws were also rolled up near the pillows for them to snuggle under at their leisure.

Catra stepped forward to brush her hand over some of the bedding that hung over the edge of the truck door. Her shoulders sagged, and a guilty grimace twisted her expression as she hung her head.

Adora deflated. “... you… don’t like it?”

Catra whipped around, flailing her hands frantically. “No, no no no, it’s not… Adora, this is all  _ great _ , really, it’s fantastic, I just… I, I don’t…”

Cocking her head, Adora closed the gap between them and took her hands in her own. “Catra?”

Catra refused to meet her gaze, and Adora was growing more disheartened by the minute. Did she not like it after all? Maybe she was expecting something more grandiose? More flashy? Adora thought this would be nice and romantic, just the two of them beneath the stars. Was she wrong?

“I’m sorry,” Adora mumbled, “I can clean this up and we can just go home if you don’t want--”

“No! I love this, Adora, all of it. And I want to be all sappy and dumb and snuggle with you under the stars like they do in all those romance movies I hate.”

“But?”

Catra hugged herself as she tried to form a response, eyes flicking around as if searching for the right words. She was getting more and more distressed by the second, but Adora couldn’t understand why she was so reluctant to say anything. Adora wasn’t  _ that _ hard to talk to, was she? 

Time. Catra just needed some time. That’s what Mara often advised, to give people time to get their thoughts sorted. Adora could do that. She could wait.

She reached out and placed a hand on Catra’s arm. “Do you wanna sit down? 

Catra nodded, and Adora gave her a hand up before climbing in herself. They laid back against the pillows, shoulder to shoulder, pulling one of the extra blankets over their laps. The silence between them was staggering, the only sounds to be heard were chirping crickets and the rustling of leaves. Catra, with a deep frown, tilted her head back to look up at the sky. Her lips pressed together in a hard line as she traced the stars. 

Adora moved as if she were going to speak, but Catra stopped her with a raised hand. “Don’t. I know I need to just  _ rip off the bandaid _ , but I just… I know what I need to say, but it’s… I…”

She met Adora’s eyes for just a second, then hid her face in the blonde’s shoulder. “... I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me, when I tell you.” Catra whispered.

“Afraid? Catra, you don’t need to be scared of me, you know I’d never judge you for anything!”

“I know that logically but that doesn’t make me worry any less.” Catra sighed, draping an arm over Adora’s stomach. “Any chance we can forget I ever had a problem and just eat cookies?”

“You know I can’t,” she said with a smile.

Catra huffed. “Yeah, I know… your brain would probably short circuit if you tried to ignore it.”

“Wow, did you hear that? I think I heard footsteps out there--”

Adora snickered against Catra’s palm as a hand smacked her face. 

“Ugh, fuck off!” Catra growled. “You’re so a-- eugh, did you lick my hand?!”

She did. And laughed as Catra furiously wiped the saliva away on Adora’s jacket. When she was satisfied at the cleanliness of her palm she glared at her girlfriend, pouting angrily. Adora leaned forward to press their foreheads together.

“You’re adorable when you’re mad.”

“I am not.”

“You are. But we can agree to disagree.”

With an eye roll, Catra conceded. The conversation lulled for a moment, and in that time frame tension reared its head once more. Catra still didn’t seem ready to speak, and as desperate as Adora was to move the conversation forward and help her girlfriend, she knew it wouldn’t be right. She wanted Catra to do this on her own time, at her own pace. For now at least, Adora did want to reassure her that she could trust her with whatever she was feeling.

That would be easy enough… she hoped.

She decided to move forward with one of her ideas for the night. Adora fished her phone out of her pocket along with her earbuds, handing one off to Catra as she plugged them in. She simply smiled at the look of confusion she was given, and continued to sort through her music. Her song library wasn’t quite as diverse or extensive as Catra’s, but she liked to think she had some good ones saved. More than a few she’d actually picked up from Catra’s own playlists since she started sharing hers.

Adora learned fairly quickly that a lot of Catra’s music had some sort of deeper meaning to it. A message to convey, a specific emotion to hammer away at, a personal reminder for those days when you’re feeling low. Tonight seemed like the perfect occasion for just that. She had a specific song in mind to start with, one that she first heard from Catra.

“Someone very wise and beautiful once told me that music puts into words the wants of the heart.” Adora said.

“... what. And  _ who _ ?”

“You, Catra. It was you.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I have never said that in my life.”

Adora smirked. “You have. But you  _ were _ pretty drunk that night so I can’t really blame you for forgetting. Remember when you got all wine drunk at your old place?”

Catra groaned. “Oh right.  _ That _ night… I’m kind of glad I don’t remember all that.”

“I couldn’t forget it though,” Adora continued, a note of reverie in her voice. “I think about it any time you share your music with me. I want to know you as deeply and intimately as you’ll let me, in every way I can. And I want to share as much of myself as I comfortably can with you, too. So I think, right now, what my heart really wants is for both of us to remember that we can rely on each other, no matter what.” 

“Neither of us have a good track record when it comes to being open, or asking for help, so I think… I think we both need this, sometimes. We need this to remind us it’s okay to  _ not _ be okay all the time, and that… that we can reach out to each other--  _ should _ reach out to each other, when we need help. I’m here for you Catra, always. I don’t ever want you to be afraid to confide in me, not anymore. And I promise I will do my best to make sure you never have to feel that way again.”

Catra stared at her awestruck, lips parted softly and eyes watery. Rather than responding, she simply clamped her mouth shut and nodded, tightening her grip around Adora’s waist. She caught a glimpse of the screen, so she knew what was coming already. She was the one who introduced Adora to this song, after all.

Her eyes drifted shut, and she lost herself in the music as the guitar kicked in. Catra was well acquainted with the music of Cavetown, but Juliet was always a favorite of hers. Sitting beneath the stars with a symphony of cricket chirps in the background, nestled into Adora’s side, made the whole experience so much better. Even knowing the darker nature of some of the lyrics, she felt at peace in those moments.

\-- I need to cry, but I can’t, get anything out of my eyes

Or my head, did I die?

I need to run, but I can’t, get out of bed for anyone

Not for you, hun --

Adora’s hand settled in her hair, nails gently scratching her scalp. It pulled a soft hum from Catra’s lips, and she tilted her head up to press a kiss to the hard ridge of Adora’s jaw. She peeked one eye open, and was delighted to see a light blush tinge her girlfriend’s cheeks.

She couldn’t resist. Catra joined in with the next verse. “My sour boy, is a pain… I wanna shoot him in the brain. But I’d miss him in the morning.” She shifted a little more to catch Adora’s eyes. “It really hurts, when I need to so bad but I can’t see her,  _ my Juliet, my special girl _ .”

Adora perked up at that, flashing her a quick, dopey grin. She let it settle into a softer smile as Catra went on, voice lowering.

“But I need to understand, when I can power through, and when I need some help from you. When I should stand my ground, and when I need to just sit down. Sometimes I act, like I know, but I’m really just a kid. With two corks, in her eyes, and a bully in her head.”

Adora leaned forward to nuzzle her head. “Your bully needs to shut up,” she muttered. 

Catra snickered. “You’re welcome to kick her ass and make her.”

“Mmm… let’s try some other things first.”

The next verse was coming up, and was certainly one of the parts Catra resonated most with. She shut her eyes again, resting her head on Adora’s shoulder.

“I wanna make a color, that no one else has seen before. I wanna be, so much more. I hope that she looks at me, and thinks ‘shit, she’s so pretty’, something I can’t believe.”

“I think it all the time,” Adora whispered.

Catra shook her head, and continued with the chorus once more. This time, however, Adora joined her, and they fell into a pleasant harmony. Catra had to agree; they both needed this. This moment, this reminder. Because right then, Catra  _ really _ needed to acknowledge that she needed help. She needed the reassurance that Adora wouldn’t judge her for what she was about to tell her.

The song concluded. Catra reached for Adora’s phone to pause before the next song could begin. When Adora glanced down at her with an arched brow, she was met with Catra’s own determined gaze. She was ready.

“Adora… I lied to you about where I was the other day. I  _ was _ with Scorpia, but we weren’t… we weren’t at school. I, uh… I went back… back to Sharon’s house.”

Adora shot up and slapped a hand down on the bedding. “You did  _ what? _ Well what happened, did she do something to you?” 

“That’s not it. She wasn’t there, Adora, nothing was.”

“... what do you mean?”

“Sharon’s gone. All her shit is. Apparently, the hag finally got evicted. Good riddance, right?!” Catra shot her a crazed look, desperate and confused, smile forced. “I mean, I should be relieved shouldn’t I? She’s gone without a trace,  _ definitely _ can’t touch us now! That hell house is empty and we can leave all of that crap behind, we never have to see her again. Never have to worry about her showing up and  _ ruining _ our lives again. I should be happy she’s gone, so why aren’t I?”

Catra ran a hand through her hair. Fingers dug through her bangs as she pressed the palms of her heels into her eyes. “I don’t understand why but a part of me  _ wanted _ to see her. It sounds stupid but I wanted her to be there. For… fuck, I don’t even know what! Why would I ever want to see that witch? I was ready to be done with her for good when she walked out of our apartment.”

“I mean, she  _ did _ raise us. She was horrible to you, but… I think… it’s hard not to see her as our mother, y’know?” Adora grimaced, and glanced up at the sky. “It was the same for me last time we saw her, in a weird way a part of me was excited to talk to her. Like that little kid in me was just waiting to be praised again.”

“Yeah, pretty sure I wasn’t looking for praise at her house, Adora.”

“I wasn’t finished! I wasn’t  _ just _ wanting praise, I think a part of me was also hoping for some sort of… some sort of closure, maybe. One last conversation to really end things between us so I could move on.”

Catra gave a contemplative hum, then frowned. “You’d think I’d have all the closure I needed after leaving that place.  _ Twice _ .”

“The first time you ran away though. That probably wasn’t as… satisfying? As getting to actually walk out of your own free will. And both times you never got to say goodbye, or tell her off like you’ve always wanted to. You never got to learn why she treated you the way she did. There was no finality to you leaving..”

A silence fell between them, and for a fleeting second Adora worried that she might’ve misspoken. When Catra looked up at her, however, there was a clarity in her eyes that assured Adora she wasn’t far off with her guess. Catra smirked, and poked her forehead.

“Look at you using that big head of yours. I knew there had to be a brain in there.” She snickered at Adora’s annoyed expression, then cast her eyes down toward her lap. “That makes a lot of sense, actually. The closure thing. I guess now I’ll never get it now that she’s gone.”

It was Adora’s turn to feel guilty. When Sharon came to their apartment the last time, she left more than just a bouquet and some pastries. Adora didn’t understand why at the time, but she left a business card with her as well. None of Sharon’s information was on it, but she wouldn’t have left it if it wasn’t relevant to her, would she? Maybe it was someone who would know where she was going, or how to get in touch with her? Adora didn’t have it on her person, but she did hold onto it. It still sat on her desk, tucked under the pencil holder where it stayed out of sight, and until now out of mind.

“I might have a way to reach her if you want to get a last word in, but, well… do you think you really need it?”

Catra stiffened at her side. Adora could see her brow furrow as she thought it over. It was easier said than done to move on from something like this, but if Catra needed to seek out their former guardian she’d support her every step of the way. 

“... no.”

“Huh?”

“No. I don’t… I don’t need to see her. I moved on without her before, I can do it again.” She gave a half smile, voice lowering. “I’ve got you this time, don’t I? It’ll be easier.”

She didn’t quite agree that it would be easier, but Adora nodded anyways, and opened her arms to her girlfriend. Catra dove forward and slammed into her, drawing a loud “oomph” from her lips as they clashed. She welcomed the contact though no matter how rough it was at first, and peppered Catra’s head in kisses as she pulled her in.

“Yeah, you’ve got me. And if you ever change your mind--”

“Which I won’t.”

“ _ But if you do _ , I’ll be there with you to help however I can, even if it’s just quiet moral support.”

Catra touched their noses together with a smirk. “Thanks,  _ Juliet _ .”

“Any time-- wait, does that make you Romeo?”

“Absolutely not.”

  
  



	11. Life update, not a chapter!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this got people’s hopes up! This is a life update, not a chapter. Feel free to skip it if you’re not interested, the long and short of it is: Sorry for disappearing. New updates will be coming soon.

Sorry if this got people’s hopes up! This is a life update, not a chapter. Feel free to skip it if you’re not interested, the long and short of it is: Sorry for disappearing. New updates will be coming soon.

\----

Hey folks, it’s uh… been a while, I know. A long while without any word or update from me. I’m still alive!

… somehow!

These past few months have been hectic to say the least. A full semester of zoom classes, trying to balance multiple art and design projects for school ate up a lot of my time and more often than not left me too drained for personal projects, including the two fics in this series. I’ve tried to come back to this one and finish off the latest chapter but for a long time I just couldn’t make any progress. Surprise surprise, seekingmotivation lost her motivation! Writers block, artist block, general decline in health… yada yada, I won’t bog you all down with some long winded exposition on my quarantine hell.

This should have happened much, much sooner. I should have updated you all sooner on the life situation, and given some sort of warning of a possible hiatus. I didn’t realize it would take me this long to really come back. 

I’m so sorry for vanishing without a word, and I’m sorry to everyone who’s been waiting all this time for an update. It’s unfair to all of you who’ve followed and supported this story that I’ve left things stagnant for so long. I hope you all know that I’m still extremely grateful to each and every one of you who has left a comment or kudos, who has shared and bookmarked this story. When I started this whole thing I didn’t expect to get much of a response. I didn’t expect people to love it as much as y’all do. It’s so heartwarming and validating to know that people loved what I made, and I want to thank everyone who’s stuck around thus far.

I sincerely apologize for the unplanned, and unannounced, hiatus that occurred. I'm sorry for taking so long to apologize despite having ample opportunity to do so sooner.

BUT ON A HAPPIER NOTE!!!!!   
  
I am back, and I’m ready to write again! 

… I think! 

I’ve got part of the next chapter written and I’m gonna try to finish it before Christmas. The semester is over now, finals are done, and I’ve got loads more free time for all the personal projects I’ve been wanting to work on. I’ll do my best to get regular updates going for this fic and the accompanying piece. And I may have another fic in development,  _ wink wink.  _

When I Can Power Through will, unfortunately, be ending soon. But I hope that, despite the gap in updates, you’ll all enjoy how it finishes out, and maybe even follow along with future fics I create!

And now a question for you all… 

Would you guys wanna see a lil spicy oneshot from this fic? As a separate piece added to the series, much like the gym-fic. Probably only one chapter, fluff and smut galore (but nothing too wild, this’ll probably be their first time as a couple). I’ve been thinking of trying my hand at a smut fic, so if anyone’s interested I’d like to use this as a sort of trial run to see if I’m any good at it! This won't happen until after I finish off the main story though. Let me know what y'all think!

As always, thank you for reading, and for supporting me all this time. You’ve all been so sweet and wonderful, and I’m grateful to every one of you! 

Just in case I don’t get the next update out in time, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I love you all! Whatever you do this holiday season, however you celebrate, I hope you’re able to have a pleasant time. Stay safe folks! See you soon!

  
  



End file.
